Love the One You're With
by Justine Lark
Summary: The NM-AU you’ve never read before! Edward breaks up with Bella, but he doesn’t leave town. Alice has seen that in order for Bella to move on, she must see him move on. Will they ever find their way back together?
1. You're Beautiful

Summary: The NM-AU you've never read before! Edward breaks up with Bella, but he doesn't leave town. Alice has seen that in order for Bella to move on, she must see him move on. Will they ever find their way back together?

_Author's Note: Thanks to edward-bella-harry-ginny and Juliejuliejulie for their encouragement and to Stephenie for the always fascinating characters and some of the dialogue in this chapter. _

* * *

"_There must be an angel with a smile on her face  
When she thought up that I should be with you  
But it's time to face the truth  
I will never be with you"_

You're Beautiful_ by James Blunt_

Chapter 1

Edward is in hell, and Alice is making it clear he's going to stay there.

Believing she is with Jasper, he doesn't expect to see her. But she's been lying in wait for him. As soon as he walks through the door, she confronts him, eyes fierce and arms folded. "What you're planning will not work," she declares, emphasizing each word separately. He flinches at the visions she shows him.

While Bella slept, worn out from the stress of her disastrous party, he had been plotting how to flee. It was, after all, the family's modus operandi, their perpetual Plan B. So many times before, when things got sticky, they'd vanish without a trace, leaving their former neighbors and patients and classmates and teachers to their fading curiosity. Surely that was the right move, the way out of this nightmare. He could restore Bella's world to the status quo ante. Her life would return to what it would have been had he died properly, as he should have, in 1918.

Now Alice is mercilessly insisting that the damage he has done is irreversible. Bella's body will heal from the lacerations he'd inflicted, but her life has been indelibly tainted by his presence. Her precious innocence has been broken, and neither his strength nor his speed nor all the King's horses and all the King's men can put it back together again. It's unbearable.

"What, then?" he spits out.

As she speaks, he's already shaking his head in disbelief. "You have to stay. Emmett and Rosalie aren't supposed to be here anyway, and Jasper and I are going to take off for a while. You stay here with Esme and Carlisle until graduation."

"No," he whispers. Stay and yet stay away from her? He'd tried that before. His first mistake, not that there was any point in dissecting his errors.

"Yes," she says harshly. "It's best for her. It's what she needs. She won't really move on unless she sees you move on. See?"

He can't deny the vision he is sharing with her. Her initial images showed Bella essentially catatonic. Now that he is contemplating Alice's impossible demands, they can see Bella at school, talking and going through the motions. She is thinner, with dark circles under her eyes, but still more beautiful to him than every starry night and every sunrise he's ever witnessed.

"You can do it," Alice encourages him. "You drank her blood and didn't kill her. This can't be any harder than that." Could she be right? The problem is, he has no idea how he'd managed that. Suddenly they both grimace; Alice is receiving a vision of Jasper, alone and desperate. "I have to go," she says unnecessarily. While he remains motionless, she embraces him swiftly, and then she's out the door.

Carlisle wants to talk to him, but he has no use for his father's advice. Since the dawn of time, no vampire has faced what he is facing, he is certain. The most valuable thing in creation— Bella's future— is at stake, and there is only one place for him to go. The first time he brought her to the meadow their destinies had hung in the balance. It is the right place to make this decision. As he runs, he remembers the last time he carried her on his back. He hadn't known then that it would be the last time. He can replay the memory, but already, he is unable to recapture the carefree joy he felt at the time. Above him, the moon is just a sliver in the sky. Like him it is lifeless and cold, shining only due to the power of something that truly possesses heat and energy. There is really no choice. The only admirable, worthy desire he has ever felt in this existence is for Bella to have a happy life. He will do whatever it takes. In the faint moonlight, he carefully ponders how he is going to manage the deed.

* * *

When the time comes, he is ready. "Take a walk with me," he says. It's an order, not an invitation.

"OK, let's talk," she says warily. He turns to face her. _Eyes, look your last!_ he thinks. How is it that Shakespeare has words for every occasion? _Arms, take your last embrace! _That is not going to happen. Physical contact is not part of his plan.

"Bella, it's over." She doesn't respond. Well, he didn't expect her to catch on right away. His behavior is so improbable. He continues with the phrases he has prepared to wear down her incredulity and resistance. He won't hit her with the standard "It's not you; it's me," but that is his message. "My world is not for you."

She frowns. He's been distant; he's been shutting her out. Is he saying he wants to make that permanent? But she knows when that strange mood began. "What happened with Jasper, that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right," he says evenly. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

"_No__!_" she roars, startling them both with the force of her protest. She is ready to defend the only thing that matters to her. "This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you— it's yours already!"

As far as he's concerned, that outburst just proves how wrong he was to ever to indulge his feelings for her and how right he is to end it now. He also intends to defend what matters to him. "Bella, I don't want you anymore."

"You… don't… want me?" she says slowly. He's not arguing, not taking the bait. His voice is very patient. But he sounds so tired. Tired of the conversation already. Tired of her? Can it be?

"No." He's gotten through to her. He's swung the axe and made the first gash into the trunk of the doomed tree, and now a few more blows will finish the job. "What happened the other night made me realize it's time for a change. Because I'm… _tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't," she whispers. "Don't do this." It's sinking in. Even as she tries to stop his words, she knows it's futile. He's finished with her.

"You're not good for me, Bella." He's saying her name too often. But this is his last chance to use it. The most beautiful sound he ever heard. _Say it loud and there's music playing. Say it soft and it's almost like praying._

"If… that's what you want." That is how it works with them. He always calls all the shots.

"Don't do anything stupid or reckless," he warns. "Do you understand what I'm saying? If I can, I will save you, but it won't change anything."

She is surprised by the anger that flares up in her. She had never put herself in danger to get his attention. She'd never done anything to get his attention. He'd pursued her. He'd showered her with love and praise. But apparently the adoration was finite. His interest in her is used up. He's come to his senses. With her whole heart, she had thrown herself into the unexpected paradise he offered her, but at some level, she had always known that this day would come. The clock has struck midnight. She is being exiled from Eden.

"I understand," she says quietly, ready for him to leave. He's made his point. She's on the verge of falling to pieces, and it would be far better to be alone.

He nods, turns and strides smoothly back to his car. He moves at a human pace, not for the sake of anyone watching, but because this is all the speed he can muster. To walk away from her like this proves to be extraordinarily difficult. He can force himself not to look back, but it takes a tremendous amount of energy to put one foot in front of the other. He has to break out of her gravitational pull; he has to reach escape velocity. He nearly crumples as he reaches the car.

She isn't watching. She has sunk to the ground, wrapped her arms around her knees and buried her head in her arms. But she can still hear the engine as he drives off.

* * *

_Author's Note: The Shakespeare quotes are from Romeo and Juliet, and Edward also reflects on the lyrics of "Maria" from West Side Story. I'm nervous about putting this out there because I've only written canon and first person stories before. Please let me know what you think!_


	2. What Can I Say

"_Look to the clock on the wall  
__Hands hardly moving at all  
__I can't stand the state that I'm in  
__Sometimes it feels like the wall's closing in"_

What Can I Say_ by Brandi Carlile_

Chapter 2

Bella tells herself over and over that it's not the worst thing in the world. Children are starving. There are earthquakes, avalanches, fires. Vampires are out there drinking people's blood. In her life, nobody has died. She has lost only her supreme happiness and her glorious hopes for the future. And it is her fault for permitting those dreams to flourish. He never promised, and even if he had, he is entitled to change his mind. It had never made sense for him to love her. He had been extremely persuasive, but he'd never been able to dazzle her completely and permanently out of her certainty that she wasn't special enough or lucky enough to keep him. If he's happier without her, then that's what she wants for him. It's like giving a child up for adoption. She will mourn his absence every day of her life, but he is better off, and she tries to take comfort and satisfaction in that. Perhaps someday she will be able to.

Her best friend is gone too, but at least that connection is not broken. Alice has written to explain that she has to be with Jasper for a time. She is still Bella's best friend. But she is also, always, Edward's sister, and as Bella and Edward's lives are now on different paths, Alice doesn't know how to be together with them.

At school, Edward is the object of scorn and Bella, the object of compassion. Their classmates, their teachers, even the staff can hardly believe their eyes. The happy, relaxed, laughing, utterly smitten boy has disappeared. In his place is the one they knew before: somber, tense and generally silent. They are baffled as to what could have caused him to be so cruel, cold and abrupt. The most popular theory is that he demanded something she wasn't ready give. It's plausible, except they all know that Bella would have given him anything.

She defends him, of course. He hears her presentation of events being whispered in the hallway as he passes and being contemplated in puzzled silence as his classmates take their seats around him. "We were just too different," is how Bella has decided to describe the break-up. It's brilliant, because it is the literal truth, and yet assigns no blame and provides no fodder for gossip. That was all she said to nearly everyone. Only Angela's expression of warm interest and concern ever prompted her to go further. To her friend Bella continued quietly, "It was always too good to be true." Loyal Angela protested that Bella was wrong, that she deserved much better than Edward— Edward couldn't have agreed more— but Bella just smiled slightly and said nothing.

Edward carefully avoids being in the same room with Bella. With the semester only a few weeks old, he easily persuaded Mrs. Cope to rearrange his schedule so that there is no overlap with Bella's. He no longer spends their joint lunch period in the cafeteria. Why bother with the pretense of eating? Where would he even sit? Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper have graduated. This year he and Alice were sitting with Bella and her friends, and other students have colonized what was once the Cullens' table. He has no place among the humans anymore. When it's rainy, he goes to the library and when it's merely overcast, he sits at a bench outside.

Regardless of his location, he pretends to read. He wants to watch Bella through the eyes of her friends, and he rations himself: only once per second. Bella nearly matches Alice's vision of her. She is tired; she often rests her head on her arms; her hair is carelessly scraped into a ponytail; she is losing weight and she can go for a whole day without speaking. But she is functioning, moving from class to class, taking notes and handing in assignments. Each day he vows to space it out longer the next day. It is wise to build up his tolerance to being without her, just like he learned to be near humans and not bite them, because that is how it has to be from now on. Except this is much harder, because he dreaded the consequences of losing control and attacking, but he doesn't really want to stop gazing at Bella. As a result, he has made no progress whatsoever towards ignoring her. She remains his whole world even though he has made himself an exile. He wishes he could get away entirely. Wouldn't it have been easier if he could have left, roamed about the country, pretended there was no such place as Forks, Washington and no such person as Isabella Swan? Well, it would never have been anything that could be called easy, but at least he would have been out of range of her face and her voice and her maddeningly desirable scent.

Surely there is ample time in this lunch period for him to put some distance between himself and this wretched building. He could use even a momentary escape from this boring, ugly and ordinary structure, which happens to contain the center of the universe. As soon as he has the thought, his phone buzzes in his pocket. Alice has expressed herself with supreme pithiness: _No dice_. Idly, he wonders what would happen if he went. Someone would notice him running too fast? See him in the sunlight? Catch him playing truant? There was a time when he was reckless. He'd thrown caution to the wind. He'd broken all the rules and done as he pleased.

He's thinking about her again. Those days are over. At such moments he wants to slap himself, snap himself out of this endless, useless preoccupation, but there would be no effect. It's like that old conundrum: Can God, being omnipotent, make a rock so heavy He can't lift it? Can a supernaturally powerful, indestructible vampire hit himself hard enough to make it hurt? The only thing Edward feels certain about regarding God is that— if He exists—He sure as hell works in mysterious ways and He hasn't performed any wonders lately. As for vampires, hitting himself would accomplish nothing at all.

* * *

_Author's Note: Poor Edward! Do you think he's going to be able to handle this situation? _


	3. Cover My Eyes

"_When I see you walking with her, I have to cover my eyes.  
__Every time you leave with her, something inside me dies."_

Cover My Eyes_ by La Roux_

Chapter 3

The noise and movement of students pouring from school into the parking lot comes to a dead halt. There is something new, something that doesn't belong, like a tropical bird that's been blown off course to an unwelcoming climate. A beautiful, willowy blonde is leaning against Edward Cullen's car. With her red-gold hair, her light complexion and her cream-colored jacket, she seems to stand out in these dull, familiar surroundings as if she's in a spotlight.

They have no choice but to stop and stare, forgetting their manners and the places they were supposed to be headed. Whispers and comments fly through the crowd.

"_Who_ is _that_?"

"Looks like Dr. Cullen found another movie star to adopt."

"I dare you to say hi to her."

"She is _gorgeous_. I thought Rosalie Hale was the most beautiful girl in the world, but I don't know, man. This one is pretty freaking hot."

"Bella?" Angela looks at her friend with concern, wondering if Bella knows this goddess and wondering what the stranger's presence means for the couple she cares about— for she still thinks of them as a couple.

Bella just shakes her head, unable to tear her eyes from the slender, stylish figure. Everything about her is so perfect. She could be posing for an advertisement for shampoo or designer clothing or Volvos. She could sell sunscreen in Forks. She is the total opposite of Bella. Her glossy hair is golden, her movements are elegant and it is perfectly obvious to Bella that she's not human. She won't blush when Edward gazes at her, she won't trip when he walks with her and she won't break when he touches her. Surely he will do all these things. Why else would she be here?

Edward has been detained by a teacher. He hears the commotion in his classmates' minds and comes swiftly through the doors. The crowd parts for him, and he makes his way through, his head down to avoid their glances. He can see that Bella is watching and he can hear that Angela is worried and confused. When Alice saw what he was planning to do, she advised him to stage this scene. "She won't really move on unless she sees you move on," his sister reminded him.

Edward reaches the car and is received with a fond smile. "It's lovely to see you," she says warmly.

"Thank you for coming, Tanya," he answers.

For a long moment, they just look at each other. Her eyes are pale amber. She stopped to feed on the way down. His eyes are darker. Lately, he has no appetite, and his parents alternate between coaxing and ordering him to hunt. Edward and Tanya have known each other for decades, but this is something new. She's here for _him_, not because of Carlisle or their families; she's here because he asked. Unlike his parents, his siblings, everyone in Forks and neighboring counties, she has no questions about his choices or blame for his actions. She's here to spend time with him, help him, support him. He leans forward and kisses her. A light kiss on the cheek, in greeting, nothing remotely passionate, but of course it registers on the crowd like an explosion. Some are intrigued by this evidence of a new relationship, and others are appalled that he would flaunt it. But along with the curiosity and disapproval, they feel the satisfaction of solving a mystery. It all makes sense now. He must have thrown Bella over for this dazzling beauty.

"Don't watch!" Angela grabs Bella by the shoulders and turns her away from the scene. "Let's talk about something else." Glancing past her friend to the figures standing next to the familiar silver Volvo, Angela gamely begins to babble about the day's homework assignments. Bella lets the words wash over her and makes no move to wipe away the tears sliding down her face.

Tanya and Edward enter the car; their doors slam in unison. As they pull out of the parking lot, Edward hears fresh waves of shock race through the minds of the onlookers: _He_ _lets her drive his car! _Bella can't help turning to watch the car pass, and she too notices who's at the wheel. Yet more proof of this woman's complete superiority. She knows Edward didn't think she was fit to drive her own car, let alone his.

Edward can hear the admiration of his male classmates. He registers Jessica's mean satisfaction: _I knew Bella wasn't good enough for him. _He can tell that Angela is angry that he has subjected Bella to this interaction— in front of the whole school, no less. He can see Bella's miserable expression. So, it's perfect, he congratulates himself mordantly. He's so gifted that he's killed a small flock of birds with a single stone. Tanya is going to do everything but establish world peace. Her visit will distract him from his overwhelming pain, give his parents a break from his gloomy presence, confirm his new image as a heartless cad and, most importantly, force Bella to accept that he's out of her life. Because that is what is best for her, to have nothing to do with him and his kind. If only he had thought of this sooner. He could have taken up with Tanya in January and spared everyone a lot of pain.

As she drives, Tanya reviews her passenger's appearance. He is as striking and beautiful as ever, but perhaps something is missing? He looks somehow weary and defeated.

"It's been a difficult few weeks," he explains. "I appreciate this so much."

"Edward, you are my good friend. I am happy there is something I can do for you."

Certainly, she had been surprised to receive his call and hear his request. "I don't know who else to ask," he had admitted. "I'm sorry, that's not very flattering to you, is it?"

"Don't worry." She had given a slight chuckle. "If I need any flattery, I'll let you know."

"Please don't say yes right away," he had continued. "Give me your advice. Do you think it's a good idea?" His words were uncharacteristically halting. "I am having a hard time right now… living… with my decision and being without… my brothers and sisters. I need company, _your_ company. I feel like it's the only way I'm going to get through this, but I'm afraid it's not fair to you. It's too much to ask."

As he requested, she thought it over, but she didn't consider whether it was fair to her. She would jump at any chance he gave her to be near him. If he wanted to use her for distraction, amusement, mindless physical pleasure, she was ready. Especially for the latter… Which was exactly why she had to ask herself if she could do more good than harm. She'd made him uncomfortable the last time they were together. She couldn't go if her unspoken wishes were going to be another source of pressure and unhappiness for him. She should only agree if she was truly prepared to be a friend, to follow his lead and be whole-heartedly satisfied with whatever he wanted to offer. He would see through anything else, and she would have failed him. She would not allow that to happen. She could be whatever he needed.

"I'd be delighted to spend time with you in Washington. I can stay for as long as you want, until graduation if you like."

Only three days had passed since their conversation. Now she is taking him to the house she has rented, so that he can get away from his parents and his house and the memories lodged there and yet not be alone. When he can no longer hear his classmates or see Bella, he speaks. "Tell me about your family," he invites her. "What have they been up to?" She pilots the car expertly as she chats. If that's what he wants, she has centuries' worth of anecdotes to entertain him. As she describes Kate's latest pet peeve, she sees him begin to relax. When she reaches the climax of Kate's tirade, he smiles, and her heart is full.

* * *

_Author's Note: I thought of the plot for this story when I deliberately tried to generate a NM-AU that was different. But I had no intention of writing it until I heard "Cover My Eyes," the song for this chapter. I pictured the parking lot scene, and suddenly I connected with the emotions Bella, Edward and Tanya might be experiencing. _

_In Edward's defense, I'll just point out that he has zero respite from awareness of his situation. Nobody approves of what he's done. He's very alone. He can't get drunk, get away or even sleep, which are pretty much the classic ways of dealing with heartbreak. But he's certain he's doing the right thing; he feels he has to find a way to follow through. __If you don't like the direction the story is heading, I understand, but of course I hope you'll stick with it. Please let me know what you think! _


	4. She's Got You

_Author's Note: I would like to thank Juliejuliejulie and edward-bella-harry-ginny and everyone else who has faith in me to write a decent middle and ending for this story! _

_

* * *

_

"_I've got your picture that you gave to me  
And it's signed with love, just like it used to be  
The only thing different, the only thing new  
I've got your picture, she's got you"_

She's Got You_; I'm listening to Roseanne Cash's version_

Chapter 4

Bella is very familiar with the sensation of losing her footing. She knows the feeling of expecting to land on solid ground and instead— if she's lucky— struggling desperately and ungracefully to remain upright or— more often— crashing painfully to earth. She had thought she knew how things stood, but seeing Tanya was like tripping as she crossed her own kitchen. It caught her off guard and threw her completely off balance. Bella is like a cartoon character who has strolled off a cliff. Only when she noticed that she lacked visible means of support did she plummet out of the sky.

She knows who has supplanted her: word went around immediately once Mike extracted the name from Edward, and Alice reluctantly confirmed that Edward's friend is one of their Alaskan "cousins." The scales hadn't fallen from her eyes. It felt like they had been ripped off, leaving her eyes raw and sore and weeping. She had thought she was devastated by Edward's decision. Yet at the same time she had surprised herself with how well she was coping. Now she realizes that her ability to put on a calm face and continue to function was due to denial. At one level, she fully believed that Edward was right to break up with her. But on another, deeper level, she had believed that she would always have what she had never deserved. He'd tried to stay away before and without making the slightest conscious effort, she'd been irresistible to him. Now she knows that he isn't going to cave in. He isn't going to come back to her. _He doesn't want to_. The spell is broken. The love potion that made her beautiful in his eyes has worn off and revealed her for the ordinary girl she is. Now he's with someone in his league, someone worthy of him.

She's always been pragmatic. Once she makes a decision, she doesn't fret about it. Well, now the decision has been made for her, and her only option is carry on. She keeps going to school. She already knows she can get through the day without him. Only the future has changed, not the present. She had thought that the estrangement was temporary, and now she knows it is permanent. She'd thought she was treading water in a swimming pool, and eventually, when she tired and sank down a bit, she'd touch the bottom and be able to propel herself back to the surface. Now she is aware she's in water fathoms deep. But as long as she keeps herself afloat, it doesn't matter how much water lies below her. She just has to focus on getting through each hour of each day.

Bella decides to put away the few pictures she has of him and the CD he made for her. How strange that as soon as she had documented their relationship and reluctantly accepted a token of his affection, it was all over. It's been a comfort to have these things nearby, but she hasn't touched them. She's ready now to go cold turkey. She can't imagine ever being strong enough to look at the images or hear him play the music he said she inspired, but she doesn't want to do anything irreversible. Packing them up is enough for the time being. Handling the objects as if they were radioactive, she throws them in a box and shoves the box into the back of her closet.

She wants to remove the new sound system from her truck. She can't listen to any music these days. She drives to the reservation pleased with her resourcefulness and resolve. The Cullens have infinite money and time and skills, but she too can get things done, with a little help from her friends. Hearing the truck approach, Jacob comes out of the garage to meet her. It's been a couple of months since they've seen each other, but he doesn't seem surprised or guarded.

"Hey, Bella!" He greets her with a broad grin.

"Hi." She looks down at her shoes, and then back into his warm gaze. "I wonder if you could do me a favor."

"Sure, if I can," he says at once.

She takes a deep breath. "It's kind of crazy, I know, but I want to take the new stereo out of the truck."

"Is there something wrong with it? Maybe I could fix it."

"No, it works fine. It's just, it was a gift."

She doesn't say any more, and guessing what's on her mind, he tries to put her at ease. "Charlie told Billy that you… aren't seeing anyone anymore." She nods and seems to relax a bit, relieved that he has mentioned no names. "So, fresh start?"

"Yeah." She's grateful for his understanding. "The stereo is nice, but I don't know, it wasn't there before. My truck was fine how it was."

"It sure was," he agrees. "Seeing as how I'm the one who made it that way."

His calm acceptance relaxes her. "When would be a good time? It doesn't have to be right now. I can come back."

"Hmmm." He pretends to ponder, looking at his bare wrist as if consulting a watch. "I think I have some room on my schedule."

"Really?"

He laughs. "It'll only take a few minutes. Come on back and I'll grab the tools I need."

It's more than a few minutes, but he proceeds with confidence. While he works, he explains what he's doing. Screws must be loosened, bolts removed and wires detached. Installing the equipment had taken place off stage, in an instant, as if by magic. Dismantling it is trickier, but Jacob knows enough to figure it out.

"Where did you get all these tools?" she asks, admiring his workshop as he's replacing things neatly in the garage.

"Here and there. They're not all mine. My dad had some, and people gave me some. Like if they got a new set, they'd pass on the old one. And some are just loaners. Everyone knows I'm working on this car. We help each other out. Maybe I can fix something for them, and they'll bring us a casserole, so we're not eating the same pork and beans every night."

She realizes she's been rude, and heat rushes into her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I should have brought something."

"Bella, no," he hastens to reassure her. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm just happy to see you. I'm so glad you came over and there was something I could do for you."

"I can bring over some stuff for dinner next time, though."

His face lights up. "Next time?"

"If that's okay."

"Oh, it's okay," he says firmly. "I'm a growing boy, you know. I can always use a good meal."

"And brownies too?" she asks. "To make up for my atrocious manners?"

"I'll forgive you… _if_ they're any good." Her smile is a greater accomplishment for him than successfully removing the stereo. He actually whistles as he watches her pull away, before shaking his head over his clichéd behavior.

The truck has been restored to its original state, and she has a plan to return and hang out with Jacob after school on Thursday. Bella feels lighter as she drives home.

* * *

_Author's Note: Writing this chapter I became aware of how much it bothered me that Edward took her CD and her photos. A boyfriend can break up with you, and he doesn't have to tell you the real reason if he doesn't want to, but stealing your stuff is just wrong! It's up to her what to do with her things. _

_The next chapter was not in my original outline. A review to the previous chapter made me realize that I had omitted an important moment of the journey. Reviews have inspired to me write unplanned chapters for other stories too-- Sunshine State, Paradise Lost and Bedtime Stories. So reviews are not just adored. They can really make a difference!_


	5. Ain't No Mountain High Enough

_Author's Note: Thanks, as always, to Juliejuliejulie and edward-bella-harry-ginny. Thanks to Stephenie, for a couple of lines of dialogue and everything else. And very special thanks to Eagleswings81, whose review to Chapter 2 prompted me to write this chapter. _

* * *

"_My love is alive  
Way down in my heart  
Although we are miles apart  
If you ever need a helping hand  
I'll be there on the double  
As fast as I can"  
_Ain't No Mountain High Enough _by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell; I prefer this version and its slightly different lyrics to the better-known recording by Diana Ross_

Chapter 5

"Mr. Cullen?"

Edward finds himself on his feet with the teacher and his classmates staring at him. "Excuse me," he throws over his shoulder as he strides out the door and down the hall. He hears the surprise and confusion he's leaving in his wake, but he quickly pushes that away to concentrate on the thoughts and images that grabbed his attention and propelled him out of his class. Bella is hurt. She's lying on the gymnasium floor, whimpering. This horrifying sight is visible from multiple angles in the minds of the worried students clustered around her. Racing to the scene, he hasn't given any thought to the wisdom or lack thereof of his behavior. He's like a first responder with no choice but to answer the call.

He pushes the door open with a bit too much force, causing it to bang into the wall. All heads turn towards the noise. A few of the children are alarmed by his fierce expression, but most are relieved that someone has arrived to take over. They scramble aside.

"Bella," he says, dropping to his knees next to her. When he hears her wild heartbeat immediately beginning to slow, a cascade of emotion surges though his mind and body. Despite everything he's done to her, she trusts him. She's relieved to see him. He's grateful for her enduring faith and ashamed of his efforts to break that faith. "What happened?"

"My shoulder," she moans quietly. "It hurts."

At Edward's elbow, Newton babbles about Bella trying to block a volleyball that came towards her at high speed. "I couldn't get over there," he laments. "She should have just let it fall." Other students explain that the coach is in his office trying to contact the school nurse. Edward spares only a fraction of his attention for their remarks, but he does make a note that Newton might actually be a halfway decent guy.

His hands are poised over her body, but he won't touch without permission. "May I?" She nods. Her beautiful brown eyes are sparkling with tears and shining with belief in him. Lightly and rapidly, he explores the injured area. As he suspected, her shoulder is dislocated. "Could you give us some space, please?" He issues the request politely but peremptorily, without looking up. Mike and the others back off, and he leans to speak into Bella's ear. "It's dislocated."

"Can you fix it?" she whispers, understanding the need for discretion.

"It's going to hurt," he warns her.

"Go ahead."

But while he's still leaning over her, he breathes on her. Out of all his choices that afternoon, this is the one he second guesses the most. Was it for her? To spare her pain and help her relax and make manipulating her joint easier? Or for himself? For the thrill of seeing her response and knowing he still has this primitive power over her? Was it inappropriate or simply good medicine? Right or wrong, wise or foolish, he did it. Her eyes close, and she actually shudders with the pleasure of inhaling his scent. In a flash he performs the reduction. She cries out from the agonizing pain of the maneuver, but with her shoulder back in alignment, the relief is immediate. She curls up into a ball, breathing heavily.

He sits back on his heels, leaving his hand on her shoulder. He's numbing the pain and reveling in the marvelous warmth radiating from her body. Again, he's not sure which of them the gesture is intended to benefit, but at least this time she can refuse, and she's not pushing him away.

"Wait, what are you doing here?" On the other side of Bella, Jessica is scowling fiercely at him. Now that the crisis has clearly passed, she's struck by his timely appearance. Edward sighs inwardly. There is no way to explain, which leaves him only one option. Looking into her eyes, he smiles warmly. "Jessica, you are such a great friend to Bella," he says. "Can you please get her something to drink? It would help me a lot." It works. She undertakes the errand glowing with his praise and his acknowledgement of her starring role in the episode.

As Bella takes a few sips of water, Coach Clapp and Mrs. Hammond finally make their appearance. Not wanting Bella or any of the others to reveal inconvenient details, Edward addresses the teachers with authority. "Bella hurt her shoulder. I think it's best if I take her home." He helps her to her feet.

"Bella, are you sure?" the nurse begins. "How do you feel?"

Bella glances at Edward's expression before answering. "It hurt a lot at first, but it's not so bad now. I think I just need to go home and lie down with an ice pack."

The adults are not quite certain, but Edward can hear they're inclined to accept this resolution. "Let's go," he says, touching Bella's elbow lightly to encourage her to head to the door.

As soon as they're in the corridor, though, she stops walking. "I thought that's what you wanted me to say, but I can go home by myself. Or call someone to help me."

"Bella, I have to explain. You had a serious injury. You should have had professional medical attention."

"I had you. Isn't that good enough?"

"I'm sorry, but you can't go home just yet. I said that because we can't tell them what happened. If they knew the truth about how badly you were hurt, it wouldn't make sense that I treated you. Maybe I shouldn't have done anything. That would have been the safe choice. But subluxation is extremely painful, and the sooner it's resolved, the better. Less chance of damage and faster recovery. I had to do it."

"Edward!" She is scolding him, but his heart leaps at the sound of his name from her lips. "You shouldn't have done it if it was going to make people wonder. Is anyone suspicious?"

He gives a rueful smile. She's just experienced a painful trauma. It's obvious to him that her body is still in a state of stress from the injury. Yet what concerns her is his secret. "They were fine with what happened in the parking lot last year, and they'll just have to deal with this. I don't think anyone's too bothered about it. Anyway, I didn't think it through. At the time, I just reacted. Please don't worry. It's going to be fine." He pulls the phone from his pocket. "Alice would have called me already if my behavior created any problems down the road. But you have to go to a doctor now. Your shoulder has to be immobilized. I'll call Carlisle."

She's shaking her head. Something in her just rejects the idea of Carlisle tending to her, the way he had done on her birthday. "I can go to my own doctor. I mean, thank you, Edward. It hurt so much. I am really grateful that you fixed it. But I don't need Carlisle to cover up for me this time. It was a normal, everyday, gym class accident. I'll just tell Dr. Gerandy that the coach put my shoulder back."

"It's no trouble. I'm sure Carlisle would be delighted."

"It's nothing about him," she says, biting her lip. "It's just, he's not my doctor." They both know what she is not saying. Without Edward as her boyfriend, she has no claim on special treatment from his father.

"I'll take you to Dr. Gerandy's office, then," he agrees quietly. "Would you like to ride in my car or shall we take yours?"

She gives a little smile. He didn't used to give her choices. Maybe in the beginning, but once she'd thrown her lot in with him, she did as he saw fit. Times have changed. "Can we take my car, please? Then I can just drive myself home from there. That won't be a problem for you, will it?"

"Of course not."

He assists her to fasten her seatbelt and drives them with great care to the doctor's office. He could say he doesn't want to put a strain on the truck or that he doesn't want to jostle her shoulder, but the truth is that he knows this sudden and precious proximity to her is nearly over. If he could stop time and just be with her in this truck for a century, he would do it. But as soon as the wish pops into his mind, he berates himself for his selfishness. Bella is injured and in pain. She needs to be examined and receive care. And he's well aware that venom is pooling in his mouth from the luscious smell of her blood and the mesmerizing beating of her heart. He doesn't belong with her. He should be grateful that he had the knowledge and the opportunity to help her in a moment of need, and now he must return to helping her as he had been, by staying away from her.

They haven't spoken during the short trip. She's been thinking and steeling herself for what she has to do. She feels rather lightheaded from the combination of pain and shock and prolonged exposure to his delicious scent. She wants to lean against him and stop pretending that she's okay. But she, so accustomed to caring for others, is determined not to be a burden to anyone. She turns to him as he kills the engine. "Edward, I want to thank you for fixing my shoulder. It feels so much better now."

He loves the emotion, the sincere gratitude in her voice. Her gaze has returned to her lap, and she doesn't see her favorite crooked smile appear on his face. "I don't want to say 'My pleasure,' because of course I don't want you to be hurt. But it was nothing."

"It was something to me," she says, quietly and firmly. "But I have something else to say. I was so glad to see you, because I knew you were going to make it better, but I was surprised too. I didn't expect you to show up, and you shouldn't feel you have to." She takes a deep breath. "Accidents like this are just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to rush over and help me."

He's speechless.

"Can I have my keys, please?" He drops them into her outstretched hand. She opens her door with her uninjured arm, and steps out. "Thank you again. For what you did and for the ride."

"I can come in with you," he protests immediately, startled to be dismissed. He thought he'd have more time at her side.

"No, thank you. I'm fine on my own now." He watches her square her shoulders as she carefully climbs the few steps to the door of the building. This is what he wanted.

* * *

_Author's Note: "He watches her square her shoulders…"— anyone recognize that? It was borrowed from the end of the pivotal Chapter 31 of_ Gone With the Wind_. __So, were you hoping her accident would bring them back together?_


	6. Don't be angry, Don't be sad

"_Don't be angry, don't be sad  
__Don't sit crying over good things you've had"  
_Love the One You're With_ by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young_

Chapter 6

Bella realizes that at school Edward must be using his gift to steer clear of her path, but he can't be avoided completely. She'll catch sight of him, hear his voice, detect his scent in the air or just hear his name mentioned, and she never knows how she'll react. She's lurched into the wall; she's been known to squeeze her eyes shut or clap her hands over her ears like a child. One time she cried, but she doesn't want him to know how empty she feels. She doesn't want to do anything that could be interpreted as trying to win him back. She's afraid that he might feel compelled to explain, again, so kindly and politely, that he's not interested. Therefore she strives mightily to keep her emotions in check and to save her tears for her pillow. Sometimes, though, if she's gone all day without sensing him, she'll feel a wave of relief when she glimpses him. It's so much better than not knowing. Without regular visual proof that he's real and alive and well, her whole time in Forks would seem like a nightmare.

Any hint of his presence tends to summon up memories. His voice comes back to her so clearly, much more than the touch of his cool marble lips or the mesmerizing sparkle of his sunlit skin. _You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever_. Evidently, it had been half true. She _had_ been important to him, for a time. It couldn't have all been pretense. She has to believe that. It's just that _ever_ lasted such a short time.

Four things are helping her get through life. The first is her own good sense. Again and again, she lectures herself. She's utterly ordinary. She was never a match for his flawless beauty and effortless grace. He had to notice sooner or later. And if she had hoped the spell would last longer, that was greedy. Most humans would never capture the fancy of a vampire for more than the moments it would take to bite and drink. She had been blessed with his attention and his caresses for weeks. It was more than she deserved. More than anyone deserved in an entire lifetime.

The second are her dear familiar friends, the heroines of her favorite novels. Bella had never before realized how many of them suffered the way she is now. She's read the books so many times; she knows how the stories end; she'd almost forgotten that the course of true love was generally quite rough. Catherine Earnshaw, Jane and Elizabeth Bennett, Marianne and Elinor Dashwood, Emma Woodhouse, Anne Elliott, Fanny Price, Jane Eyre, even Scarlett O'Hara— each believed the love of her life was irrevocably out of reach. And these were no easily resolved sitcom misunderstandings; their despair was thoroughly justified, and not all of them got a happy ending. How did they handle it? Bella spends hours in the familiar grounds of Barton Cottage, Thornfield, Donwell Abbey and Tara. She skips the early encounters, so deliciously full of possibility, and goes straight to the shock, the confusion, the disappointment, the grief. She doesn't read to the end. She just contemplates the anguish, so rarely expressed openly. Some of the women spent years not knowing if the man they loved was alive or dead. Others had to watch their former admirer court another girl. None of them had any choice. They all kept going, and so will she.

The third is her father and his blessed willingness to let her be. Renee has perversely chosen this crisis as the moment to take an interest in her life, and she does not know how to take a hint. Bella has declined to talk about Edward many times, but Renee seems certain that this reluctance is temporary. She alternates between taking her daughter's silence personally and fervently reassuring her that she is available to listen whenever Bella is ready to talk. Bella finds herself actually wishing for her mother to get distracted by some new enthusiasm. By contrast, Charlie's calm acceptance of her changed circumstances is a gift. Bella doesn't know if he's motivated by instinct or simply male aversion to emotional conversation, but their quiet routine is what she needs.

The fourth is Jacob. Being with him is like a vacation from her life. It's another world with no reminders of what she's lost. When they get together a couple of times a week, he always finds plenty to talk about. He tells her about his school and the families on the reservation. There's generally some scandal: an unplanned pregnancy, a quarrel between brothers or a long-married couple, a college student deciding not to come home for Thanksgiving, someone accused of lacking proper tribal pride. She likes having a window onto all the tumult that she is not part of. He asks about her classmates, and she begins to try to pay attention so that she'll have stories to share.

She's content to just while away the time, but Jacob enjoys long term projects. He has to, with the car he's perpetually tinkering with. But he has other goals too. He wants to show Bella around the peninsula, and he decides that they will taste the pie in every diner in a hundred mile radius. Some days they head out to try a new place or to look for parts for the Rabbit. Other days, they'll just hang around La Push together, doing their homework, going for a walk or fiddling with the car. When Bella prepares dinner, Jacob acts as her sous-chef. She discovers that although he rarely made the effort, he's actually a competent cook. Before they left home, his sisters made sure he knew how to prepare basic meals for Billy and himself. But he likes to pretend that Bella is a genius in the kitchen and he, her humble apprentice. Following a few accidents with the knife, he keeps band-aids on hand and insists on handling all the chopping. After his friends Quil and Embry came upon this cozy scene, they began referring to Bella and Jacob as "Mom" and "Dad." Jacob pretends to be annoyed, but he is delighted by the notion of the two of them as a couple.

Despite the warm welcome she always receives, Bella remains tentative. Every time she leaves, she asks if she can come over again, if he's not tired of her yet, if he's sure he's not busy. Jacob guesses that this insecurity is the handiwork of the boy whose name is never mentioned. It is his mission to convince Bella that she is the greatest girl on earth. In his mind, it's an undeniable fact. It seems to him that she fell out of the sky into his life, and he's determined not to do anything that might scare her off.

Bella is like a refugee marveling at ordinary life in a place untouched by disaster. It's so appealing, but after what she's been through, she's not certain that she'll ever be able to fit in. What happens to such misfits? Compassion fatigue eventually sets in, she supposes. People get tired of trying to help someone who can't be helped. But in the meantime, being with Jacob is wonderfully soothing. She likes to be near him and breathe in his clean scent. She likes to watch him at work. She's grateful that, with his long dark hair and russet skin, she can never mistake him for someone else. She likes his ease and his energy and his perpetual smile. She guesses he's interested in more, but for now she has nothing to give.

Luckily, he doesn't mind waiting.

* * *

_Author's Note: Many thanks to Juliejuliejulie and edward-bella-harry-ginny for their advice and encouragement! And thanks to everyone reading and reviewing my story! I really can't tell you how much it means to know my words are read and enjoyed._


	7. She's a girl, You're a boy

"_Turn your heartache right into joy  
She's a girl, you're a boy"_

Love the One You're With_ by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young_

Chapter 7

Neither Tanya nor Edward expected things to go this far this fast.

There was no premeditation. Sitting next to him on the couch, she reached out to place her hand on his cheek. She didn't mean anything by it. She wanted to comfort him. She wanted to show that she was there, that she cared. But she couldn't completely bury her desire for him. He grabbed her wrist and returned her hand to her lap. But he didn't let go.

"You don't really want that," he said quietly, meeting her gaze.

"What do you mean?"

"You've been a wonderful friend. You haven't done anything wrong. But I can hear everything you're thinking."

"Which is?" She wasn't going to admit anything.

"You want us to... be together."

"I want whatever you want," she declared fiercely. "Nothing more, nothing less."

He smiled at that, a sardonic half-smile. He wanted the sun, moon and stars, and he was settling for much less. But she was just deflecting his comment. His voice, usually clear, was more like a mumble. "I thought you like… human men."

"Is that what you're worried about?"

It had crossed his mind. He hadn't missed the irony that both Bella and Tanya would prefer him to be human. Naturally, he felt entirely inadequate. He was no good to anyone. He was cold in body and spirit and unsuited for closeness with any creature. "Not only that. It's pointless. I can't. You should be with someone else. You shouldn't waste any more time with me."

"Edward," she chided him kindly. "There is no shortage of time. Please, let me…" and she reached out again to touch his cheek. He trembled slightly at the contact. Slowly, gently, she smoothed back his hair and let her hand slide down his arm to squeeze his hand. "Tell me what you're thinking."

With Bella, he had concealed so much. His ever-present thirst, his violent impulses, his blood-soaked past, the fears and guilt that tormented him were among the topics that were occasionally mentioned but never plumbed. Maybe eventually he would have said more, but he was afraid of revealing more than she could handle. Besides, he didn't want to burden her with his struggles, his problems. With Tanya, he feels obliged to share, because her mind is always open to him. But he doesn't speak purely from obligation. She's a good listener. It's an immense comfort to talk to someone who understands, who has seen and done and felt the same.

So he confessed that he didn't know what he wanted. He missed holding Bella. For so long he had avoided being touched, and then he found he was desperate for it. And now what? Was that it? A few months of feast to be followed by an eternity of famine?

"It doesn't have to be that way," she said gently. He didn't answer. "People can enjoy… touching… without being in love. I should know, right?" He couldn't help smiling at her self-deprecation. "Let me…" She reached up to stroke his face again. His reaction was clumsy and sudden. He pulled her onto his lap and buried his face in her neck. At first, all he felt was the relief at being close to someone, the assurance that he wasn't alone. They sat like that for a long time. He was surprised when it wasn't enough, when he found he needed something more. Not her, exactly. He needed to see whether anything more was possible for him. He pushed her hair away from her face and tentatively kissed her. They stared at each other, neither knowing what would happen next. She frowned at him slightly. "Edward, you don't have to—"

"I want to." He didn't plan those words, but he means them. He has to find out where he stands, what is left for him and the rest of his days. Can it take his mind off the pain? How far can he go? What will it be like? Perhaps if he and Bella were truly meant to be, he wouldn't be able to feel anything for any other woman. But he does. Bella opened the door for him, she wanted to explore that new land with him, and he wouldn't let her. It wasn't safe for her. But it turns out that, having glimpsed that tantalizing territory, he still wants to go. At least, his body does.

"Are you sure?" In reply, he kisses her again, more passionately this time, but she pulls away. "Edward," she says, and she waits until he meets her gaze. "We can stop anytime. If you're not comfortable, it's okay."

"Okay," he murmurs, his lips seeking hers again.

Tanya is beautiful, soft and desirable. He can't help responding. Thankfully, there is no way he can pretend he is with Bella. Everything is different. It feels wrong at first because he doesn't hear panting or a pounding heart, he doesn't feel the flaring heat on his skin. But it feels right because his throat doesn't burn. He can open his mouth and use his tongue. He doesn't have to restrain himself. He can let the sensations take over, not just his body but his mind.

Tanya can hardly believe this is happening. It is the first time in centuries that she has been with a man like herself. She too is used to monitoring her partner carefully and curbing her strength. But though physically he is her match and there is no chance of hurting him, a part of her remains detached, ready to stop at any sign of hesitation. She's already had more than she ever thought she would. She'll proceed at his pace and follow his lead. And he is racing ahead, heedlessly, greedily. Cautiously, she touches him, and he's so ready that it doesn't take much for him to explode.

Afterwards, even though she tells him he doesn't have to, he reciprocates. He's too polite to take without giving. He knows what she wants. It's so easy when he can read her mind. And he's relieved to find that she doesn't judge his inexperience or compare him to past partners. To a much greater extent than he is, she is in the moment. He feels sick to do things with Tanya that he wouldn't, couldn't do with Bella. He should evoke Bella's pleasure, hear _her_, see _her_, not Tanya. But it wasn't right to draw Bella into his world. Bella will be with someone who can kiss her and lick her and touch her without endangering her with teeth and venom and raw power. He should only be with his own kind, someone he doesn't want to attack, someone he can't hurt. Being with Tanya instead of Bella is like drinking animal blood. Not what he really craves, but it does the trick, it takes the edge off. It feels good.

Should he be glad or sorry that there is something to lighten his misery? There is no point in becoming philosophical about it. He had begged Tanya to visit because he hoped she could help him, and she has. Her passionate response arouses him again, and she knows it. Tanya is willing for everything to be on his terms. He can decide what they can do and what is off limits, and she will give and take pleasure according to his rules and his needs. But after a few nights of greater and greater intimacy, they cross that final boundary. They've done so much, he doesn't know anymore what he once thought was so special about that particular act. There are rules that people think are important, but he can't remember why he once thought those restrictions applied to such as them.

His time now is divided into two unequal parts. For a little over six hours per day, five days per week, he attends school, where he watches Bella more than he should and much less than he wants to. Bella seems the same as usual. He is quite sure she is not dating any of the boys at school, though not for want of being asked. He can only guess that she is keeping to herself, as she did before he recklessly invaded her life. For the rest of the time, he makes love with Tanya. Despite all the times they've been together, it's always a bit of a shock at first to find this confident blonde in his arms in place of the blushing, dark-haired girl who occupies so much of his thoughts. But soon, he knows, he'll be swept up and suspended in the ecstatic moment. They've learned how to make it build and roll and last until they can't balance on the verge any longer and they crash into the astonishing, searing, blissful climax. And each peak is just the prelude to the next encounter, because as long as he in that perfect wave of pleasure, he isn't thinking about Bella at all.

* * *

_Author's Note: Some people asked me specifically not to let this happen, but it was always part of the story. In NM, with Edward gone, Bella was so desperate to feel his presence even for a moment that she turned to motorcycles and cliff-jumping. In my story, Edward is the one who's driven to extremes, but he has the opposite problem. She is always in the forefront of his thoughts, and he'll try anything to get her out of his mind even for a while. _

_Besides my conviction that in this version of events, Edward and Tanya really would take this step, this development addresses something that bothers me: in all the NM-AUs I've read, when Bella and Edward cross paths down the road, she is often divorced or widowed, and sometimes she's a mother, and the sum total of his experience is those few months between the meadow and her birthday where, as far as I can tell, he never got past first base. I understand why people write it that way, but at the same time I don't understand why it _always_ has to be that way. Anyway, in my story, they are _both_ trying to cope. Reluctantly, unsuccessfully, foolishly, awkwardly, each is sincerely trying to get through life without the other. _


	8. I'll Go to My Grave Loving You

"_Oh, to take his place forever  
__There's nothing I wouldn't give  
__I'll prove to you daily what a man really is"_

I'll Go to My Grave Loving You _by the Statler Brothers_

Chapter 7

When the bell rings on the last day of school, Bella doesn't know how to feel. A chapter of her life is ending, and she's hit with a tremendous rush of nostalgia for the innocent girl who arrived so reluctantly to this school only sixteen months earlier. Still, it's hard to be melancholy when her classmates are in such high spirits, and she's feeling cautiously optimistic as she walks through the parking lot. The mood evaporates instantly when she opens the unlocked door of her truck. There is a piece of white paper folded on her seat.

She gets in and closes the door. Clutching the paper in her hand, she leans forward and rests her head against her arms on the steering wheel. Maybe she should not read this note. Maybe she should put it in the box with the other things. _Bella!_ she scolds herself. _Get a grip._ _What's the worst thing it could say? _Nothing she hasn't already heard and replayed in her mind a thousand times. Thus fortified, she unfolds the paper and cautiously squints at it. It's short. She permits her eyes to focus on the unmistakable, perfect script.

_Carlisle and Esme and I are leaving tomorrow. We won't be at graduation. Goodbye, Bella. Be happy._

No signature is present—or necessary. A huge sigh of relief escapes her, and she slumps in her seat. She really hadn't known how she was going to cope with the ceremony. The prospect of having Renee, Charlie, Jacob, Carlisle, Esme, Edward and herself in one place had been keeping her awake at night. She was tempted to avoid graduation, either well in advance or at the last minute, but she couldn't bring herself to do it when Renee was looking forward to it so eagerly and earnestly. She had talked it over with Jacob many times. He offered to stay away if she felt that his presence would complicate matters. She could imagine all manner of uncomfortable scenes, but she needed Jacob to be there. Now, without Edward, it'll be a breeze. She knows that's not his purpose. The Cullens probably want to be sure they're not caught in any photographs. Still, it was characteristically polite of him to convey his farewell and good wishes. She noticed he left out Tanya's name in describing his plans. Presumably she remains in the picture, fully part of the family now. The omission is simply another example of his flawless manners.

Edward had driven away from the school and doubled back on foot so that he could watch her find the note. He observes from a safe distance. Unnoticed, of course; he's so good at spying. He's stalking her again. He has to, just this once. He doesn't want to go away from her, but it's time. And he doesn't want to go without taking leave, but he couldn't do it in person. He spent hours thinking about what to say and how to say it, until finally Alice called. He nearly hung up on her, snarling that he was going to use his own words, not hers. "These are your words," she announced cheerfully and dictated the message. He has to admit that she kept it simple. Or he did. Whichever of them is responsible, the note says everything it can say without being too much or a lie. Long after Bella folds up the note and slides it into her backpack, long after she's driven away and even he can no longer hear the racket of her engine, he remains motionless, staring at the empty parking space.

* * *

While school was in session, everyone's lives were in a holding pattern. Now Bella's high school career is over. Now Edward is thousands of miles away; Alice informed her that Carlisle accepted a position in Ithaca, New York, and Edward has already moved to Hanover, New Hampshire. Now Bella can start traveling down a new road. Not the path she once thought she'd be on. No fixed destination in mind. But at least her life is going somewhere, and she's steering.

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life," she tells Jacob. After dropping Renee at the airport, they've come to walk along the beach.

He snorts at the platitude. "'When you come to the end of your rope, make a knot and hang on,'" he says sententiously.

"'A stranger is a friend you haven't met yet,'" she retorts.

"'When life hands you lemons….'"

"'Make lemonade,'" she finishes.

"No, 'make orange juice and have everyone wonder how you did it.'"

She giggles. "No, I'm serious. I have something to tell you."

"You got a job designing inspirational posters?"

"Jacob!"

"Okay," he says. "I'm all ears."

"I'm not going to college this fall."

"What?"

"I'm going to stay here, live at home. I'm going to take some online classes and work at Newton's and get another part-time job."

"What? Why?"

"They don't have enough work for me to go full-time, so I thought I'd just add a second part-time job."

"Bella," he says impatiently. "I don't mean about your job. I mean, why aren't you going to college?"

"I just…" Her resolutely bright voice fades into a mumble.

"Come on, sit down," he says, tugging her to their tree. "Now, tell me."

"I don't want to go to a new place and meet new people," she whispers. "I can't. You're still in school, so I'm going to stick around for a couple more years. But I'll still be learning. And earning money. Saving up."

"You're staying here… for me?" He had never expected this. A huge grin spreads over his face.

"I'm staying for me. It's what I want to do," she declares, her voice stronger again.

He puts his arm around her and pulls her close. "It has nothing to do with me?" he asks in a tone of joyous incredulity.

"Well, of course it has something to do with you. But I don't want you to feel responsible for me."

"How about if I want to be responsible for you?" Gently he lifts her chin so that she meets his gaze. "Bella?" There's a new, tender note in his husky voice and a new, hot glow in his dark eyes. Something has changed between them. She knew this would happen when she announced her plans. She's not sure she's ready, but having made her decision, the inevitable next step was to share it.

"Can we please take it very, very slow?"

"Yes, we can," he says solemnly. "Can I kiss you?"

"Is that supposed to be slow?" she protests.

"Uh, yeah, I thought so."

She laughs. In his arms she feels safe and cherished. Another cliché pops into mind: _There's no time like the present._ She leans forward. His lips are warm, soft, so very different from what she had known before. Tears spring to the corners of her eyes as she pulls away and presses her hand to her mouth.

"I'm sorry. What's wrong?"

"No, _I'm_ sorry. It's me; I don't know if I can. I don't think I'm ever going to get over..." Her voice trails off.

"Him," he concludes for her, and she nods without meeting his eyes. "I've thought about that, Bella." She tenses, bracing for a deadline or an ultimatum. "You know, my mother died suddenly when I was little. I don't think I'm ever going to get over that."

"It's not the same," she objects immediately. "Of course you won't. You lost your mother. Everyone knows that is one of the very worst things that could happen to a person."

"I'm not trying to make comparisons. I'm just saying, I understand. It's okay. Some losses really stick with you. Maybe it comes and goes, but you never shake it completely."

"Yeah," she acknowledges reluctantly. She's still tense.

"What?" he encourages her.

"It just doesn't seem fair to you. You should be with someone who's… not damaged."

"You're so right. That would be awesome. Except they wouldn't be you. Bella, listen. Apart from the odd dance at prom… Don't get me wrong, I'm going to cherish that memory forever, but I've pretty much always known you the way you are now, and I like you. And you like me, don't you?"

"Yes." His warm, reassuring tone has relaxed her.

"So we're good?"

"Yes."

"So can I kiss you again?"

She nods, smiling at his eagerness. When their lips meet, the tears well up again. She's not sure if they are tears of pain for the boy who shattered her heart to pieces or tears of gratitude for the boy who accepts the splinters that are left. But this time she doesn't pull away.

Over the next few weeks, she discovers a new side of herself. Edward had always pushed her away. He remained preternaturally calm and collected. He wasn't really interested the way she had been. The way Jake is. Jake respects her wishes, but he_ wants_. He's ready, he's eager for anything and everything. And so she finds herself doing things she had once thought to do only with Edward.

* * *

"Bella, you hung around with bloodsuckers!" Jacob is beside himself. His voice is loud and vibrating with stress.

"Yes, and I lived to tell the tale. And don't call them that."

"I can't believe this. I thought he was just a stupid jerk, and now I find out they were all filthy leeches!"

"Jake, stop! Don't say that!"

"You could have been killed! What were they waiting for?" he rages. "Were they trying to fatten you up?"

"They were my _friends_," she almost shouts, before taking a breath and speaking more calmly. "And you can relax. They're gone now. And they never hurt me." But her face gives her away.

"What happened?" he asks sharply. She doesn't answer, and he presses her. "Did he ever—"

She can't let him think that. "No, not _him_." She sighs. "Sit down. It's a long story." She seats herself in his lap, and he listens intently as she tells him about James in Phoenix and Edward and then, in more halting words, Jasper at her birthday party and Edward again. He frowns deeply as he traces the scar on her hand. There's been so much to take in these past few weeks. He isn't sure which aspect is the most distressing: the fact that life is not what it seemed to be, that monsters exist; the fact that he is one of them, although the speed at which he's learned to control his transformations has astonished his packmates; or the fact that Bella knowingly spent months in mortal peril, fraternizing with his enemy. But he knows strong emotions are dangerous. He needs to calm down and listen and understand.

"How could he do that? He didn't want your blood?"

"He did want it," she admits. "But you know they don't kill people. That's why the Quileutes made the treaty with them. None of them would ever hurt me on purpose. Jasper couldn't help it. I knew it was a bit risky, and I wanted to be there. I chose it. I knew he would keep me safe, and he did."

"Weren't you afraid?"

"Never." But her expression changes again as she thinks back.

"Never?" he prods her.

"Maybe at first," she admits. "It was so hard for him to be around me. He said my blood was special; it was more tempting to him than other people's. And there were times when I think he came pretty close."

He's shaking his head. "Bella, I don't understand you. How could you want to be with him? You knew he was a monster and he wanted to eat you. It goes against nature."

She shrugs. "Yes and no. They are made to attract humans, you know. That's part of nature, isn't it? Like flowers evolved to attract bees. I was like a moth drawn to a flame. But then we got to know each other, and it wasn't just about being, you know, ensnared. He's so good. You have no idea. It's a huge struggle for them. He's not a monster to me. Besides, you could hurt me, and I'm not afraid of you."

"I would _never_ hurt you," he vows.

"I know. I'm not afraid. But think about it, Jake. It's different for women. We have to trust, because we're usually with someone bigger and stronger."

"I am pretty big and strong," he agrees with a smirk. She rolls her eyes at his self-satisfaction, but she kisses him. There is an upside to being a wolf. He's become _very_ big and _very_ strong, and the injuries the pack sustains in their constant, playful sparring heal in an instant. More important, his transformation is bringing him even closer to Bella. She had never spoken much about Cullen before, and now he understands why. He thought her reticence was due to the painful nature of the memories or just good manners in not discussing an ex in detail, but now he sees that a lot of the story was off-limits. She had kept all those significant experiences inside, unable to share with him or anyone else. He's grateful that he was permitted to discuss his new situation with her. Now, their mutual secrets have cancelled each other out. Finally they can talk about everything.

* * *

_Author's Note: Well, posting the previous chapter was really an experience! I know some people were shocked, and some were displeased. A few reviewers said they would stop reading, and I imagine there are others who dropped the story without commenting. I understand that readers can turn on a story, because there was an Eclipse-AU story I stopped following. I was OK with Bella breaking up with Edward and losing her virginity to Jacob, but I couldn't continue when Edward found out and nearly strangled her in a fit of jealous rage. I can't accept him ever menacing her like that. So, I can see there are things that might cause readers to not want to stick around. Still, I appreciate all the feedback. Some reviewers had comments that made me think that perhaps I hadn't conveyed Edward's state of mind as fully as I intended, so I may go back and revise a bit regarding how he's been feeling. _

_But in the meantime, though I'm sorry some readers chose not to stay on board, the story keeps chugging down the tracks. Where are we heading? A comfortable and contented final destination? Or a train wreck?_


	9. Almost Blue

_"__Almost blue  
__Almost doing things we used to do  
__There's a girl here and she's almost you, almost  
Almost blue  
It's almost touching, it will almost do  
There's a part of me that's always true, always"_

Almost Blue_ by Elvis Costello_

Chapter 9

Edward has built a wall in his mind. Behind it is Bella and that handful of days when he believed that his life could be and would be full of wonders. Behind it is the memory of her lips and her acceptance and the love in her brown eyes. She's going to stay there forever. He can't forget; he won't forget. She means the same to him as she did the night he invaded her room and heard her speak his name: everything. But he can't be part of her life. He's reviewed the evidence countless times, and he always renders the same crushing verdict. He's guilty, and he's sentenced to life without Bella. So he locks up all those memories and lives in the space that remains. And it's tolerable, just barely. At least it's not solitary confinement. Alone with only his thoughts for company he would surely go mad. Tanya's companionship helps so much. He knows it is wrong, knows he is using her, but she always assures him that she enjoys what they have. "It's like being with a widower," she remarked once. "You have a past. Impossible to compete with, if it came to that, but lucky for me, it's not a competition. That was then and this is now, and I'm happy to be with you as long as you want me."

"I want you," he answered.

"Then I'm very happy." And so he lets her spend her time holding him back from the brink.

Tanya knows she is not his first choice. But she is his choice. She knows he needs her, knows that without her, his life would be abject, unrelenting misery. He'd be curled up in some squalid den somewhere. But maybe that doesn't give him enough credit. She admires him for continuing, for trying to salvage a life from the wreckage. He's like a survivor of a natural disaster. He could just stop making any effort. But he puts one foot in front of the other and pushes the rock up the hill. Though the shadow of the past dims every day, it doesn't blot out everything. She is part of what keeps him going. Perhaps a mere distraction for him, but even that is more than she had ever expected. She still can hardly believe that she has the privilege of touching him, that he wants her to be happy and gives her everything he can. Unfortunately for her, he had already given his heart away.

Once, shortly after they moved to New Hampshire, when he was quiet and she felt how remote and melancholy he was, she asked if he were certain that it has to be this way, that he cannot be with the one he loves. His mouth curved into that lopsided smile. "I didn't see her today. I haven't seen her for many days. So I can go without seeing her tomorrow."

"'One day at a time'?" She chuckled as she quoted the familiar mantra of recovering alcoholics.

"If we can refrain from drinking the blood of strangers, just because they're human beings, then surely I can do something else that's difficult for me in order to benefit a particular person whom I deeply care for. But please, Tanya, don't make me justify myself. I'm always trying to rationalize a way out of my decision. I knew it would be hard, and it is. Please don't tempt me."

"I'm sorry. I won't bring it up again," she promised. "I just wish…" She glanced at him, not sure whether to heed his request and simply drop the subject entirely or to complete her thought.

He heard her affection and hesitation. "That I didn't feel this way?" he prompted.

"No," she said, looking him straight in the eye. "That you could have what you want."

"You're very sweet," he said sadly, reaching out to cup her cheek. "Far nicer to me than I deserve."

"You think?" She arched an eyebrow at him, deliberately trying to change the mood. "I'll give you exactly what you deserve." So once again she did the only thing she could for him, helping him find fleeting relief from his pain and grief.

* * *

Edward has not lived at such a distance from his family since he decided to rejoin his parents decades earlier. But this time they remain in touch. Emmett and Rosalie are taking graduate courses at Cornell and posing as housemates to Carlisle and Esme. He's grateful that Esme's nest is not empty. That makes it possible for him to politely decline her invitations to visit.

Alice and Jasper are still traveling, searching for information about Alice's past, but her sense of responsibility for the family never flags. She always lets them know when they need to lay low or stay indoors. Her regular weather reports make it easy for Edward to attend classes at Dartmouth, where he majors in Russian Language and Literature. He doesn't have the patience for science this time around, attending months of presentations of things he already knows before it gets interesting, but there are always fresh insights to be had in the great works. Even the unsophisticated comments of his classmates, comparing the characters in Pushkin, Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky to those they're familiar with from television and movies, can be entertaining.

He and Tanya have fallen into the habit of speaking only Russian to each other, so he never hears the echo of Bella's words. She has pet names for him in Russian. He doesn't use endearments. Bella is his love, and Tanya is Tanya. But he doesn't mind whatever she wants to call him. To explain his fluency, he has told his teachers and classmates that he grew up with a Russian grandmother who spoke no English. From time to time, for their benefit, he deliberately makes mistakes or pretends to search for a word. And his command of the language is not complete. He knows his accent, though very good, is noticeably American. Tanya assures him his accent is charming, "and your voice is so beautiful, Edik, that it would be very wrong to criticize." He doesn't quite sound like a native speaker, that's all. Apparently there are some things, some minute actions of tongue and teeth and throat and lips that even a vampire cannot perfect. At least not him, at least not yet. It's something to strive for.

While Edward takes classes, Tanya writes. He had never paid much attention to her career as an author of historical romances. Now he realizes it's a very clever way to pass the time and to earn money in a discreet manner. Of course, her finances have never been a problem, but she enjoys the feeling of accomplishment, and her publisher simply has to tolerate her eccentricity in refusing to engage in any sort of publicity. He likes the fact that there is no royal road to creative writing. Compared to human authors, Tanya can type faster and work longer hours, but she still has to coax her stories word by word from inspiration to completion. He helps her research the period details. The fashions and the menus and the locations are as accurate as they can make them. He finds himself commenting on her drafts and brainstorming plot twists and even dialogue.

From discussing possible settings and scenarios for Tanya's books, it was a short step to reviewing the times and places they have experienced. Eventually, they developed a favorite pastime: trading days. Tanya will remember an entire day of her life, replay everything she did and said and heard and saw, while Edward looks on. They'll take apart every gesture, every phrase, every glance. They'll argue about what intentions and secrets each person might have been harboring. And then it is his turn. She has many more days to recall, but for him to share a day takes many times longer, because he has to use words to describe his memories. But there are some days he never mentions.

* * *

_Author's Note, in the form of a list of p__eople I am thanking: _

_(1) Gleena, because I borrowed Tanya's avocation of writing romance novels from her post-BD story The Cold War, which you can find on my favorites list. (Gleena, in turn, borrowed Tanya's literary talent from Eowyn77.) Writing does seem like a very good profession for a peaceable vampire. _

_(2) My cousin, who is fluent in Russian and lived in Moscow for a number of years, for his advice on terms of endearment between Russian speakers._

_(3) edward-bella-harry-ginny and Juliejuliejulie, for their helpful comments and all their kind words. _

_(4) Summit Entertainment, for hiring Rob as Edward Cullen and then, as if that weren't enough, showcasing him in "Remember Me." He was great!_

_(5) You, for reading! I just love knowing that people are involved in the story and really curious about how it will end._


	10. God Only Knows

"_If you should ever leave me  
__Well, life would still go on, believe me.  
__The world could show nothing to me,  
__So what good would living do me?"_

God Only Knows_ by the Beach Boys_

Chapter 10

The worst day of Bella's life began in such an ordinary way. It was raining, and they were going to go to a movie in Port Angeles. But it cleared up, and they decided to walk along the beach instead. They are sitting on their log, talking about Jacob's impending final exams and Bella's co-workers and the latest news from Renee and Rebecca, when Jacob suddenly springs to his feet. Bella looks where he is looking and what she sees seems to stop her heart. Something, _someone_ is coming towards them out of the water, impossibly fast, a blur of orange. Before Bella can take in what she is seeing, Jacob has exploded into a snarling beast and in one long stride collides with the intruder in the shallows. Bella's mind is feeding her information—a vampire is attacking, Jacob is fighting— but she can't really process it. She can hear thuds and growling but she can't follow the rapid action. She looks around wildly, desperately hoping to see Jacob's comrades rush to his aid. She yells for help, almost expecting to see Edward dash into the scene to save the day. But the cavalry doesn't come. The beach is deserted save for the fierce battle raging before her, and then suddenly everything is still. Everything slows down, so that she has all the time in the world to see Jacob's body, somehow human again, lying in the surf, with his neck twisted at an impossible angle.

"_NO!_" she screams, the sound bursting from her louder than any noise she's ever made. Wolves can heal in an instant, she knows that. He'll mend and rise up and laugh at her for doubting him. But she can't wait; she races to him and throws her arms around him. He doesn't move. He is unnaturally still and in the cold water and coarse sand his body is not as warm as it should be. The vampire is standing ankle-deep in lapping waves, regarding the scene with an air of faint amusement.

"Very touching," she says. "Was that _thing_ a friend of yours?"

Stunned, Bella whips around to look at the creature who has committed this atrocity, and she realizes she knows her. "Victoria!" she gasps. Someone she saw once, so briefly, so long ago, in a previous life, it seems. But the bright hair, the glittering red eyes, the malicious essence of this monster are unforgettable. Victoria has come here for her, she knows this in her bones, and Jacob has died trying to stop her, she knows this too, and she's ready. For a while there was someone she was ready to die for, and then she had someone she wanted to live for, and both of them are gone. She simply stares at Victoria, feeling no fear, no impulse to flee.

Victoria is completely focused on savoring her moment of retribution and triumph, and Bella's mind is filled with grief and fury. Neither of them hears the noise of seven huge wolves racing onto the beach. The animal in the lead leaps towards Victoria, but she twists away, plunging into the water while the pack pursues her. Bella doesn't notice. As soon as Victoria's attention is diverted, Bella turns back to Jacob. Even though she knows he is beyond her, she kisses his face and strokes his hair and murmurs his name. Then there's a warm hand on her shoulder. Seth is standing next to her, transformed and wearing only a pair of shorts. His face is crumpled in pain, and she turns and falls into his arms.

"Is he gone?" she sobs, and she can feel him nod.

After a long time Seth clears his throat and speaks. "It was lucky we heard him. Leah and I were goofing off in the woods when Jacob suddenly called for help. We saw he was fighting that leech and you were with him. We got over here as fast as we could. Everyone else was at Sam's, and they heard us howling. They came out and joined us, but Bella, just before they changed, it was still just Jacob and Leah and me, and we heard…" Seth's voice cracks. He pauses and takes a deep breath. "His thoughts stopped." Bella holds him even more tightly. Eventually, he scrubs his eyes with the back of his hand and continues. "We didn't know what we were going to find when we got here. We thought for sure we lost both of you. I'm so glad you're okay. All of us are. Sam told me to take him home and you too." He scoops up Jacob's massive body, and they walk slowly to the small house where Billy is waiting and the bottle of juice Jacob left on the counter when they went out for their walk is still cold to the touch.

* * *

The pack are frantic in their raging need to hunt Victoria and avenge their brother, but Sam will not allow them to track her far. They must maintain a strong and tight perimeter around their own territory. They realize now that she is the predator who for months has been testing them, identifying their weaknesses, plotting her attack and her escape. If she gets past them to Bella or to another of their tribe— they know she is an indiscriminate killer— Jacob will have died for nothing. He held her off long enough for them to get there and chase her away, and they will not squander the warning he paid so much to deliver.

Bella is consumed with fury and guilt. Nothing anyone says to her makes any difference. Sam, Seth, the entire pack— even including Leah— have assured her repeatedly that they don't blame her. The wolves blame Victoria for being a filthy, unnatural, bloodsucking, homicidal monster, and they blame themselves for everything else. For not detecting her approach and not joining the fight in time and not being able to catch her and finish her. Billy seems to have aged a decade overnight, but even he has tried to comfort Bella. "It's our duty to fight the cold ones. It's in our blood," he told her. "Jacob was a soldier defending his homeland and his loved ones. Sometimes soldiers die. It's not your fault, Bella."

It doesn't matter in the slightest. She blames herself. She knows that Victoria came for her. In some mixed-up way Victoria wanted to kill her, because the Cullens had killed James to protect her. Once again Bella was the target, and once again she had been completely helpless. Once again she had let people she loves risk themselves to try to save her. Jacob died defending her and all she could do was watch. She hadn't even been capable of that, really, because her vision was too pitifully slow for her to follow what happened.

And so her mind is made up. She will _never_ let anyone fight for her or die for her again. She would become a wolf if she could. She would gladly take Jacob's place in the pack. She longs for the acceptance that would bring. But though fantastic creatures and incredible happenings are familiar and ordinary to her, she knows that wish can't come true. Some things remain outside the realm of possibility. There is only way to be strong and safe, to be able to stand her ground against Victoria or anyone else who threatens her or the ones she loves. Of course, Victoria is wily and experienced. Bella has no illusion that she would be a true match for her nemesis. But next time, she is going to fight, and maybe her seething rage will compensate for her lack of skill. She knows her choice will distance her from the people who feel like her family and the place that feels like home. But she cannot allow herself to be vulnerable anymore. She won't simply wait around for the next menace. Being human has cost her far too much. She must become a vampire.

* * *

_Author's Note: Thanks to Juliejuliejulie and edward-bella-harry-ginny, the best friends a writer could have. I hated to do this to Jake, but this is how the story goes. __So, do you think Bella gets her wish?_


	11. Change is Hard

"_I'm all out of luck, but what else could I be?  
__I know he's yours, and he'll never belong to me...  
__I was never, no I was never, no I was never enough  
__But I can try, I can try to toughen up."_

Change is Hard _by She & Him_

Chapter 11

Bella moves slowly as she walks out of her house, down the steps of the porch and around to the backyard. Sam had called to inform her that a vampire is here to see her. Immediately, her mind had begun to race. Alice must have come to grant her request. Her heart had begun to pound, as if it were trying to pulse as many times as possible before being stilled. But Sam was still talking.

"I can guarantee your safety. Leah and Seth are guarding her now. Quil and Embry are off duty and I had to send Paul and Jared away; they're far too impulsive. But three of us are enough against one of them. If you agree to see her, I'm going to order Leah to phase back and escort her, and I'll be right there with Seth ready to stop her if she makes a move."

"What? No, Sam, you don't have to do that. Alice won't hurt me. I asked her to come."

"Alice?"

"Alice Cullen." She knew that Sam, the first to phase, was familiar with the whole family.

"Didn't you hear me? It's not any of the Cullens. We don't know this one. But she has yellow eyes."

"Not any of the Cullens? Who is it?"

"She won't say. She just said she wants to talk to you. But it's up to you. One against the pack? Just say the word, and we'll run her off."

"She knows me?" Bella was confused, and her brain was too sluggish to generate any theories. "Fine. Go ahead and bring her."

Bella had gone outside as soon as she hung up, and she doesn't have to wait long. Leah emerges from the forest and takes up a stern posture somewhat closer to Bella than to the edge of the yard.

"Keep your distance," she commands.

With two giant wolves flanking her, the visitor steps out of the trees, just as a shaft of late afternoon light breaks through the clouds to bounce off her skin and illuminate her long, strawberry blonde curls. Despite their limited acquaintance, Bella recognizes her instantly, and her hands fly to her mouth in shock.

"What are you doing here?" Bella's voice is only a whisper. She presses her hands to her chest. Her body is flooded with dread. She is certain something has happened to Edward.

"What are you doing to her?" Leah shouts, looking frantically from Bella to her packmates. "Bella, is she hurting you? Does she have some kind of power?"

"No, it's okay, let her talk," Bella chokes out. "Please, please don't hurt her. Just let her answer."

"Bella, thank you for meeting me. I'm Tanya." The visitor's melodious voice is calm and friendly.

"I know, I know who you are." To Tanya, Bella's acute fear is evident in her posture, her voice, her expression and, most of all, the scent of her blood.

"It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you," Tanya offers. She glances uncertainly at her furry escorts. "Why are you so afraid?"

"Did you…" Bella takes a deep breath. "Did you come here to tell me…." She can't cope with any more loss. Although, if Edward is gone, it is even more reason to change. Perhaps she can avenge him as well as Jacob.

"What?" Tanya asks with a touch of impatience. "I came here to help you, if you want."

"Where is he?"

"Edward? He is with Alice, I suppose."

"He's okay?"

"Yes, Bella, he is the same as— _oh!_" Tanya understands. "Oh, Bella, he is fine. I see now, you thought I had bad news for you. No, he is well, of course. Nothing can hurt him."

Bella is nearly hyperventilating with relief. She can barely speak. "I'm sorry. I just thought… when I saw you… my friend Jacob… Victoria was here…"

"I know. I know what has happened here in Forks."

"How? From Alice?" Tanya nods. "I didn't know she was going to tell anyone."

"She didn't," Tanya assures her. "Not intentionally. She wasn't prepared for us to visit, and Edward heard her thinking it over."

"But she didn't come?"

Tanya smiles. "They were talking, Edward and Alice. Debating your request. Edward wants to kill Victoria. He feels responsible for this threat to you and the people in this region. The Cullens don't know I'm here. At least, I didn't tell them where I was going. I wasn't sure myself. I wanted to think some things over, and then I decided to come. Perhaps Alice saw me traveling, but unless she was very lucky to see a road sign, she would not know my destination. But if they knew, I think they would call me."

"But why _are_ you here then?"

"I want to talk to you."

Bella nods. "It's okay," she says to Leah. She clears her throat and then speaks louder. "Thank you for watching out for me. You can let her through now. Please."

* * *

Every interaction takes so much effort. Sam and Leah had changed places, changed forms, so that he could confer with Bella, and she had to convince him that Tanya was safe. Finally, he relented and allowed Bella to invite her visitor inside.

"You wanted to talk?" Bella doesn't feel much in the way of curiosity. She's drained from the terror she just experienced. She plans to listen to whatever Tanya has to say and then take a nap.

"Let's sit down," Tanya suggests. "Do you feel calm now? I'm here as your friend."

"My _friend_?" Bella repeats in disbelief. "You're his—"

"Friend," Tanya says firmly. "I'm here as a friend to both of you."

Bella is shaking her head. "I don't get it. I'm sorry."

"Please, let me explain. You must know everything so that you can decide."

"OK," Bella agrees dully.

Tanya looks her straight in the eyes, and Bella can't help feeling that she wants to trust the beautiful voice and the amber gaze.

"I know you asked Alice to change you, to make you one of us." Bella nods. "She is not sure, because Edward still does not want this."

Bella had intended to listen quietly, but questions spill from her mouth. "'Still'? What does that mean? And can't she just see my future?"

"Alice has not seen anything of you for many months. Edward asked her not to look, but she has tried sometimes. They're not sure why her gift is blocked. Perhaps the shield that keeps Edward from your mind has developed further. But as he doesn't want her to find your future, they don't pursue the matter. Her vision cannot guide them in this."

"Huh." Bella feels oddly let down. She and Alice do not speak often, but Alice has never mentioned this new inability. Bella had always imagined that her friend was watching over her to the extent that she could. But that's not the main issue. "So you came to tell me... that they can't make up their minds?"

"I came to tell you that I will change you myself, if you wish."

"_What?_"

"Yes, if you are certain you want to become a vampire, I'll do it. I know how. Carlisle explained to us the best way, long ago, in case there was any occasion."

"But… _why_?"

"That is a longer story." Tanya bites her lip. "I'm not sure how to explain. If I may ask, how do you feel about Edward?"

Bella scowls. "That's a very personal question."

"Yes, but we are discussing your future. You may have many thousands of years ahead of you. It's good to put everything on the table, your expectations for your new life."

"Oh." Bella's eyes fall to her lap and she can feel the blood heat her cheeks. "I'm not going to…. I mean, I'm not doing this because I think that he… and I…"

"I understand. That is not your purpose. But you do care for him?"

"Yes," she whispers. "I mean, it hasn't been very long, has it? It doesn't mean I don't care about Jake too. I really do!"

"Bella, Edward loves you."

Bella's brow creases, her face contracts in complete rejection of these words. "What are you talking about? Why would you say that?" Her tone is almost hostile.

"Of course you don't believe me, because he told you something else. It was a lie."

"He _lied_ to me?"

"Yes. For your own good, he thinks."

"He lied to me _for my own good_?" Tanya nods. "Why should I believe you? He doesn't want me. He said so. And he left me. And he went with you, didn't he?"

"Maybe you won't believe me. But he had a reason to lie, and I don't. If what he said were true, I wouldn't be here right now."

"I don't understand."

"He believes that he was ruining your life. Putting you in danger. Taking you away from normal human hopes and dreams. Making you want to give up your soul." Bella knows this much is true. "He feels he cannot be part of your life. He ended things between you so that you would have what he wants for you, happiness in your human life."

"What _he_ wants for me? What about what _I_ wanted?"

Tanya sighs. "You know he's extremely stubborn. His family tried to tell him it was wrong to decide for you. But he's determined to do what he thinks is right."

Bella struggles to put together what she is hearing. "He thought breaking up with me was the right thing to do," she offers, trying to demonstrate that she is following along.

"Yes. He wants to do what's best for you."

Bella feels stupid. "It doesn't make any sense."

"He loves you. He's miserable without you, but he doesn't want you to be condemned to our life, to lose your soul and face damnation."

"He loves me," Bella repeats in a tone of deep skepticism.

"You could ask Alice. She knows. But then they'll know I'm here."

"He doesn't want me to be a vampire? And you are here to change me if I want?" Tanya nods, pleased with Bella's comprehension. "Why would you do that?"

With a small smile, Tanya shrugs. "I want him to be happy. Since we've been together, the only thing I could do is help him be a little less unhappy. But now I think, if you are changed, I don't want to presume your wishes, but I think there is a chance, yes? If you feel only a fraction of what I know he feels."

Bella rolls her eyes. "I can see you've been spending time with him. He always used to say that he loved me way more than I loved him."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to upset you. Bella, if you still love him, if you can forgive him, it would be everything to him." For a long moment, Bella just stares at Tanya, trying to make sense of her words. Bella's life has been turned upside down by Jacob's death, and now Tanya is upending all her beliefs and expectations again. She doesn't know what to think. "I can see that you have questions. Please, ask," Tanya invites her. "You won't offend me. If you decide yes, you'll be trusting me with your life. I want you to feel you can trust me."

"You're offering to change me... for his benefit? So that he and I can be together? But… you'd give him up?"

"In a way, Bella, you could say that, but I never really had him. Every minute he's pining away for you, and that would never change. I know that. I always knew it. I've been with him longer than any other man in all my years, and it's not very long even for a relationship between humans, is it? He's everything good. You know? He's kind, thoughtful, funny, smart, very handsome. He is the best companion. But he is not my mate. He doesn't care for me that way. And that means my mate is still out there. But of course I always knew that, and I stayed anyway. Because for these months that we've been together, he couldn't be with you, and I helped him make the best of that life. Now something has changed: not him, not me, but you. You are determined to be one of us. What stood between you, what made him turn to me, is gone. I've been keeping a drowning man afloat, but now I can pull him out of the water entirely. Now there is really something I can do for him."

"Why wouldn't you want to just… get rid of me?"

"It's a fair question. First because I have not killed in over seven hundred years, and I'm not going to start now. Second because if I did, what would it profit me? So I could have Edward to myself? As I said, his heart is already yours. And on a practical level, he would of course find out, and I don't think he'd be very pleased."

Reeling from the mixture of grief, anger, fear and hope that has been coursing through her, Bella can't help laughing at the understatement. Is it crazy to trust Tanya? She doesn't really believe everything Tanya has told her. It's too implausible, too contradictory to what she's lived with for so many months. But it's nearly as crazy to think that Tanya came all this way and made all these assertions in order to harm her. She does believe that Tanya will do what she came for.

* * *

"I can't let you do that." Sam had assembled the pack and a few others to hear Bella's request that Tanya be allowed to change her and Tanya's claims for being willing and able to do so. "You don't have to. We are here to protect you, and we're on guard now. It's not necessary or acceptable for you to give up your life like that. Bella, I know you're in pain right now. We all are. Losing Jacob is a terrible blow, and none of us will ever recover fully. But to become one of them? One of the enemy? No."

"They're not _all_ your enemies," she says passionately. "You know that. That's why you made the treaty."

"Yes, we agreed that as the Cullens, and apparently a few others, are different, we don't kill them. But we don't permit them to enlarge their numbers."

"It's not like that. They're not trying to convert me or increase their power. I'm probably going to be the world's slowest, stupidest vampire, anyway. Nobody would pick me for their team. But even if I'm pretty worthless, I want to fight our enemies with you. Look, I could have done this without telling you. We could have gone far away, and you might never have known. I still have that option, but I don't want to do it that way. I want your blessing."

Sam appeals to the others for support. "Obviously I'm not getting through to her. Help me out here. Does anyone have anything to say?"

Seth speaks up. "Some of the cold ones seem pretty cool." His comment, offered with studied casualness, is greeted with hoots of laughter.

"Any one of them in particular?" Embry asks.

"Starts with _T_, ends with _ANYA_?" Quil suggests.

"Shut up," Seth retorts.

Leah stands and walks over to Bella. "I have something to say." She pauses, glancing around the circle until she has everyone's attention. Bella looks at her warily, aware that Leah detests vampires and is no particular fan of hers either. "I support Bella." Sam has to call for quiet three times to silence the uproar that follows these words. "You heard me," Leah continues. "You all know I think leeches are foul, and I wish we could wipe them from the face of the earth. But if that's what Bella wants, I think she should be able to decide her own future. None of us had a choice. We are werewolves, like it or not. We're slaves to our blood, to the Alpha. We're slaves to our imprint if we have one. Bella has a choice. I think she's making the wrong choice, but she should be able to make it."

"Thank you," Bella says quietly.

"Don't mention it."

"I'd like to say something too." Emily has been sitting at Bella's side, holding her hand, and she squeezes it as she rises to speak. "I also support Bella. Because I think she has a love that is meant to be. I know she doesn't even believe it yet, but I do. So you might as well get out of the way, because it's going to happen."

"Billy?" Sam asks. "What do you think?"

There is a long pause before Billy speaks. "If there was something I could do to hunt the monster who killed my son, I would do it. I understand why Bella wants to change. I wish she would let our tribe do its duty and take care of things, but I understand that she can't. She wants to be in the fight. So do I."

Sam buries his face in his hands. They all wait. Finally, he lifts his head. "As the pack leader, the decision is mine. But I don't want to be a tyrant. I asked for others to share their opinions, and I will heed them. I give Tanya my permission to…" He hesitates for a moment, and then continues. "To bite Bella."

"Thank you," Bella says in a fervent tone. "Thank you, all of you, for everything you have done for me."

"I'm not finished," Sam declares. "There are conditions."

"What conditions?" Tanya asks.

"You are going to tell me exactly what to expect. And then I am going to personally stand guard along with any others that I choose, and if there is any deviation, your life is forfeit."

"Sam!" Bella protests.

"No, Bella, it's okay," Tanya says quickly. "It's a good plan. I agree. We all care about Bella's safety."

Billy speaks up. "What will we tell Charlie?"

"I've thought about that. I'll tell him I'm going on a trip, and I'll be in touch. He'll understand that I have to get away from here for a while. And I hope eventually I'll be able to be around him somehow."

"You will, Bella," Tanya says firmly. "Everything is going to work out. We will finish Victoria. You will learn to control your thirst. And as for you and Edward, whatever will be, will be."

* * *

_Author's Note: Thanks to all my readers. I appreciate all of you so much-- edward-bella-harry-ginny and Juliejuliejulie, who read it first, people who have been reading from the start and people who are just discovering the story. I'd love to hear what you think about the chapter. _


	12. Locked Up

"_But if I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for  
__If I look to my right  
__Or if I turn to my left, will I see that I have kept my heart  
__Locked up, locked up so tight"_

Locked Up_ by Ingrid Michaelson_

Chapter 12

"Bella, that was wonderful. How do you feel?"

"Okay, I guess."

Tanya is full of praise for Bella's success on her first hunt. Bella is just overwhelmed by all the signals from her body. Copious amounts of information are flooding in from every direction, yet the keen sights and scents and sounds barely register in the face of her blazing thirst. Is this what Edward suffers all the time? Alice and Carlisle and Jasper and Tanya herself? How do they manage?

"Are you ready for more? Another deer?"

Bella nods and sprints in pursuit of the herd, Tanya following her closely. The sheer power! Every movement is magnified. She can cover so much ground with each stride. She's racing through the forest with total confidence. She'd laugh out loud, but she's already zeroed in on her prey. Draining her second animal eases the ache for a moment, but the need for blood still rules her.

"Tanya, why don't you just drink blood all the time?"

"I'm sorry," Tanya says. "It will get better, I promise. You won't always be so thirsty as you are now."

"Really? How long will that take?"

"Didn't Edward tell you?" Bella shakes her head. "I guess he hoped you would never need to know," Tanya concludes with an uneasy expression. "I'm sorry," she says again. "I should have explained more. Made sure you knew what you were getting into."

"It's okay," Bella assures her. "No regrets! I was ready. I couldn't expect to keep cheating death and let other people defend me and rescue me."

Tanya smiles at her. "I've never heard of someone who chose our life as you did. You are a very special person. I can see why Edward singled you out from all the humans he has encountered. And it will get easier. The thirst is strongest during the first few years, especially the first few months. Even right now, you'll feel better when you drink some more."

Bella is skeptical, but after she's guzzled two more deer, she can tell that she needs a break. Her throat still burns, but she just can't consume any more at the moment.

"Very good," Tanya encourages her. "She's finished for now," she calls, and three enormous wolves appear at the edge of the clearing.

"Thank you," Bella greets them with a smile. She is so happy with the pack's continued cooperation. She doesn't even remember whose idea it was for Leah, Seth and Sam to accompany them on her early hunts in order to protect the human population.

"Shall we head back?" Tanya suggests. But before anyone can respond, her phone rings. "It's Edward," she announces. "Looks like we're about to face the music."

He cuts her off even as she greets him, and they can all hear the stress in his voice. "_Tanya, tyi v Forkse?_"

She answers in English. "I'm not far from Forks. How—"

"Your scent," he interrupts, anticipating her question. "What are you doing here?" But before she can answer, he rushes on. "Never mind that now. I need your help."

"Of course."

"Alice and I are here," he says rapidly. "Victoria is on her way, and Laurent is with her. Alice can see this, but she can't see what happens. We don't know why. I'm afraid it means she will get hurt, that the visions are missing because her own future is in jeopardy. I was just wishing for backup, and I crossed your path."

"Where?"

"Alice can see her approaching us very soon, in the field where we play baseball. We have to concentrate. Alice doesn't see us winning or losing. Only fighting, nothing more."

"I know that place. We are south of you, not many miles. We are on our way."

"_Spasibo!_" He ends the call, and Tanya looks around at her companions.

"Should I just go? Leave you with these three?"

Bella's "No!" is nearly drowned out by the wolves' harsh barking.

"Bella, you don't know how to fight. You could be a liability. Make it harder for us."

"She killed Jacob!"

Tanya throws up her hands. "We have to go. You come, but you must do as I say, yes? Even if I tell you to stay out of it." Bella nods, frantic now to be on the move. She's afraid for Edward and Alice. "And you," Tanya addresses the wolves. "You can attack our enemies and not the Cullens?" Sam's only reply is to plunge through the trees towards the north, Leah and Seth on either side. Tanya immediately takes off after them. "You don't know where you're going!" she shouts, and they permit her to catch and pass them.

In a matter of minutes, everyone converges. "Tanya!" They hear Edward call her name when he senses her approach. Knowing he can hear her, she quickly advises him that the wolves are their friends, their allies. A moment later, she and Bella burst into the clearing and many things happen in rapid succession. They can see Alice and Laurent circling each other at the far end of the field. Edward is staring intently at the trees just where Tanya and Bella have emerged, but their appearance seizes his attention.

"_Bella?_" His mouth falls open in shock. He stares at her, speechless.

Victoria immediately takes advantage of his distraction. With a thunderous crash, she leaps from the top of a tree onto Edward, tackling him to the ground. She's crouched over him with her hands on either side his head, ready to wrench it from his body.

"_No!_" Roaring with fury at her obvious intentions, both Tanya and Bella spring to attack her. Bella's newborn strength prevails. She snatches Victoria from behind, pinning her enemy's arms to her sides and pulling her off of Edward. As Victoria loses her grasp on her intended victim, she clenches her hand around his ear. A sharp metallic shriek fills the air as she rips it off.

Bella drags Victoria out of range of Edward, but she has no idea what to do next. Her arms are tightly clamped around Victoria. She won't let Victoria break free, but she doesn't know how to incapacitate her further. If she slackens her grip at all, surely Victoria will turn on her. But Victoria has enough leeway to bend her head and bite Bella's hand. Pain jolts through her, and it's not the searing fire of her death and transformation, but a piercing cold agony making her cry out and wiping out every thought but the necessity of hanging on.

"Bella, let go!" Edward's voice penetrates her torment, and she instantly obeys. Tanya grabs her and drags her back, shaking Bella's arm sharply so that Victoria releases her hand, scraping Bella's stony skin with her teeth. At the same moment, Edward catches Victoria's wrist. In an almost lazy manner but with a brutal expression on his face, he twists her arm while he kicks her powerfully in the chest, causing her to fly apart. Her furious scream nearly drowns out the screeching sound of her arm separating. Edward has neatly propelled her body a few yards away, where Leah and Sam crouch ready to pounce. With a snarl, Leah leaps onto Victoria, pinning her to the ground. Growling, Sam bares his teeth, and Victoria barely has time to emit one final shriek of rage before they tear her apart. Meanwhile, Edward removes his ear from the hand of Victoria's detached arm and sets it back in place, automatically massaging the seam to make certain that it's fully and neatly bonded.

While they dealt with the vicious redhead, Seth had bounded over to Alice, but he is not needed. Alice has patiently dodged Laurent's feints and jabs, tirelessly ducking and slipping out of the way. When he turns at the sound of Victoria's defeat, Alice jumps on his back and neatly severs his head.

"Bella!" Alice shouts gleefully. Tossing her trophy aside, she flies across the field to fling herself into her friend's arms. "Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella!" she murmurs. "I'm so happy!"

For Bella, every experience brings fresh proof of her new reality. She endured the blazing pain of the venom spreading through her body and felt the exhilaration of running and hunting and the marvelous relief of quenching her thirst. She instinctively attacked Victoria. Now Alice has leapt onto her and not knocked her over. She must be a vampire. Suddenly Alice yelps in pain, and Bella hastily releases her.

"I'm sorry!"

"No, it's okay. You're so strong!" Alice marvels. "Oh, I can't believe this. You're one of us now. We're sisters forever. Aren't we?"

At this thought, both of their heads turn towards Edward. He is standing very close to Tanya, clearly in the midst of a heated discussion. His hand is on her upper arm, and his mouth is at her ear so that they can't hear what he's saying. Tanya responds without speaking, at times so briefly that his lips barely stop moving and once at greater length, giving him time to lean back and look her in the eyes.

Suddenly Seth emits a sharp bark. They all notice that the scattered pieces of vampire flesh are squirming over the ground, attempting to reunite. Victoria's other hand has already connected with her lower arm, and this severed limb is dragging itself towards another, larger chunk of her body

"Bring every piece," Tanya orders, whisking the torso away from the reach of its arm. Bella stands motionless, revolted, as Alice and Tanya dash around the clearing gathering the remains of their enemies, which Edward assembles into a pile along with some twigs and brush. The three wolves lope around in widening circles, sniffing the ground and using their jaws to pick up lumps and drop them with the rest.

Soon they assemble around the mound, and Edward pulls a lighter from his pocket. Suddenly, Bella speaks up. "Me," she says. Three beautiful pale faces and three shaggy heads turn to her. She clears her throat. "Please, let me," she says quietly. As Edward wordlessly hands her the silver appliance, his fingertips graze her palm, and an electric shock rockets from her hand to her heart. Her eyes flicker to his for an instant, wondering if he felt it too. But there is important business to take care of.

"For Jacob," she says, as she touches the flame to the tinder. The fire catches at once and spreads rapidly, quickly converting Jacob's killer and her accomplice into dust. It doesn't change the past, but it's satisfying to bring Victoria's existence to an end.

As they watch the heavy purple smoke billowing up, Alice is looking around the circle. "Why didn't I see this?" she asks nobody in particular. "What is happening to me?" she continues, her distress mounting. "I can't see anything, and I don't feel well!" Then she gasps and points at the sandy wolf, standing next to her. "It's _you_!" Seth takes a step back and whines softly. "Not you in particular," she says with excitement. "I think your pack blocks my visions, and that's why I haven't seen Bella!"

"Bella," Edward says suddenly. "Can I please speak to you? In private?"

"Of course." Her eyes seek out Tanya's. She's about to find out how much of what Tanya told her is true.

"Go ahead," Tanya encourages them. "Alice and I will mind this fire with our new friends."

"Thank you," Bella says.

"Thank _you_," Alice replies.

"We all made quite a team," Tanya says with a grin, while Seth stands tall and Leah tilts her head up with pride.

"Yes, thank you," Edward echoes, meeting each person's gaze in turn. He looks at Tanya longest and last.

Then Bella finds Edward's eyes burning into her. The intensity of his gaze is like a magnet, and she would like to fall into his arms and stay there for the next several decades, but she isn't sure she would be welcome. She can't decipher his emotions; she can see only that he has strong feelings. Finally, his eyes drop, and her favorite crooked smile flashes across his beautiful face.

"I was about to ask you to ride on my back," he confesses. "I guess those days are gone."

_They don't have to be_, she thinks. But she says, "I can keep up now." And she follows him through the trees.

* * *

_Author's Note: I didn't want to bother my cousin again, so I asked two Russian speakers in my acquaintance for help. In case you can't guess from context, Edward asks Tanya, "Are you in Forks?" and he ends the conversation with "Thank you." Luckily, Juliejuliejulie and edward-bella-harry-ginny don't seem to mind that I bother them all the time; ebhg made quite a big difference to this chapter. I really appreciate their help. And I really appreciate everyone who's reading and especially those who take a moment to review and share their thoughts._


	13. Whataya Want From Me

"_Just don't give up, I'm working it out  
Please don't give in, I won't let you down  
It messed me up, need a second to breathe  
Just keep coming around" _

Whataya Want From Me _by Adam Lambert_

Chapter 13

Edward is loping through the woods of the Olympic National Forest. He feels at home in this place. And Bella is with him. That precious state of affairs is also familiar to him. But she's not riding on his back. She's running beside him. _Because she is a vampire._ Edward hardly knows what to think. His world has been suddenly shaken up like a snow globe, and he's having trouble keeping up with events. A few times before his life had changed in an instant, but he always had time to process the cataclysm. When Bella had walked into his dreary Biology classroom, he had fled to Alaska to reflect. When a drop of her blood had caused all hell to break loose on her birthday, he'd had a chance to think things over before acting. But now, he's going to have to figure it out on the fly.

With one small part of his mind he monitors their surroundings for humans. Tanya hadn't needed to remind him that supervising a newborn vampire is a heavy responsibility. With another part of his mind he savors the incredible elation racing through him. Bella's presence is making every cell in his body rejoice. Her scent is the same exquisite siren's call, compelling him to draw nearer and take possession, but it's purified, distilled to a transcendent essence. The nearly irresistible command to bite and drink has evaporated with her blood. He doesn't look at her, because if he did, he'd have to stop running and do nothing but feast his eyes for as long as she would allow. And with the last portion of his attention, he tries to understand how he got here.

Less than a week earlier, everything had been normal. Not fine, but what he was used to. They had spent the weekend hunting in the Adirondacks, and Tanya had wanted to continue driving south. Edward had agreed to head in the direction of Alice and Jasper's house while they debated the matter, but he wanted to end the conversation and turn back north towards home in order for him to be on time for his summer library job the next day. Later that morning, in fact. She pointed out that they were very close already. Why not stop by? He didn't care that they were only a few miles from her desired destination. Just because they had entered New York State didn't mean they had to drop in on his family. Perhaps Alice and Jasper were away, and the discussion would be moot. He realized he ought to be able to pick up his sister's familiar voice very soon, if she were home.

"_Oh my God!_" The brakes clashed and the car abruptly swerved as he suddenly twisted the wheel and steered to a stop on the shoulder.

"Edward! What is it?" In his shock Edward had reverted to English, and Tanya followed suit. She was frantic. What could cause a perfect driver to execute such a maneuver? There were not even any other cars on the road. His hands slid off the steering wheel into his lap, but his expression and the rest of his body were frozen as he concentrated Alice's thoughts. "Tell me, tell me, tell me!" she begged, grabbing and squeezing his hand.

"Bella," he whispered, his attention still elsewhere, and her heart constricted. Was Bella there with Alice? Or had something happened to her? She knew that Bella's presence on earth tied him to the world. If Bella were gone, Tanya expected Edward would want to follow, and she wasn't ready for that.

"Bella," she repeated, trying to prompt him to say more. But she didn't get a response. Aware that what he was hearing was very important, she waited for him to be ready to speak, rubbing the back of his hand with her thumb and looking at his familiar but always breathtaking face. Apparently their lives were about to change course, in what direction she could not guess, and she didn't know how many more chances she might have to appreciate him like this. Suddenly his hand slipped out of her grasp, and he was opening her car door.

"Would you please drive the rest of the way?" She took his place in the driver's seat, but he put his hand over hers to forestall her when she reached for the ignition. "I'm sorry. It's very rude of me to keep you in suspense." She answered without speaking: _It's okay. Please just tell me._ In a flat voice he explained. "The bottom line is that Bella has asked Alice to change her."

Tanya gasped. "What? Why?"

Since she already knew about the treaty Carlisle had forged with the Quileutes during the Cullens' first stay in Forks, it didn't take long for him to fill her in on Bella's relationship with Jacob Black and Victoria's attack. "It's my fault," he said vehemently. "Victoria would know nothing of Bella if not for me. She is targeting Bella because of what we did to James. And I did absolutely nothing to prevent it."

"Poor Bella," Tanya murmured. "But she wasn't hurt. And we can go after Victoria now! It's not too late."

He couldn't help smiling for an instant at her ready cooperation in his vendetta. "I intend to. But Bella seems to want to take Victoria on herself, and Alice is not exactly opposed to the idea. So I have to take care of that little complication first." He gestured for her to drive.

Thoughts were tumbling through her head as she started the car. _Would it be so terrible if Alice agreed to Bella's request?_

"Yes, it would be terrible. You know my feelings about this."

_Maybe I should just drop you off and give you some space. You and Alice can talk this over without me._

"Tanya, you don't have to do that! I mean, I value your opinion."

"I think….I think that I don't know what to think!" Her expression was wry. "I'll leave you with Alice and then I just need some time to consider. So that I can give you good advice."

"_Kok_ _hochesh_." If that's what you want.

* * *

Alice, of course, also knew Edward's feelings on the matter, but that didn't stop her from arguing. Edward was thankful that he only had to face one adversary; Jasper had joined Emmett on an extended hunting trip. "Edward, why isn't this good news? I am very sorry that Bella has lost her friend, you know I am, but I don't see why I can't change her now with a clear conscience. She's not doing it for you. She has her own reasons."

"I know you miss Bella and you want her to be one of us. But I think we should agree to base this decision on what is best for Bella, not what we want."

Alice was hardly daunted. "Fine. I think it would be best for Bella to be with us forever."

"How can you say that?" he spat out, trying to ignore the pictures flooding Alice's mind. "This way of life is a curse."

"According to _you_."

"It's not just my opinion. Many wise minds over the centuries have thought the same."

"Yes, but nobody knows for sure," his sister maddeningly insisted, presenting him with the image of their father.

"I don't think we should chance Bella's soul on a remote possibility."

"But _we_ wouldn't be doing anything," she countered. "Bella is making this choice for herself."

"Be serious. She can't do it without us. We don't need to aid and abet an irreversible tragedy. On the contrary, it's our obligation to prevent it."

"Edward, why are you so damned sure of yourself?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know that saying, 'In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king'?"

"Of course."

"Well, you are smarter than most everyone and you read minds. That's a powerful gift. You see things others don't, and you can use that extra sense to manipulate them."

"You also see things that others don't."

"My talent is an advantage in many ways," she acknowledged. "It's a blessing, but it also forces me to be humble. I see what will happen, and often I can't change anything, like it or not. As you are aware, only rarely can I engineer what I want or prevent what I don't want. But we're talking about you! In the land of the blind the one-eyed man thinks he's pretty special. But he only has one eye. You know more than other people but you don't know everything."

Edward sighed. It would be so easy to give in, let Alice do as she pleased, or better yet, fulfill Bella's request himself. Venom began pooling in his mouth at the mere thought. But he suspected himself of rationalizing. Of course, he would be inclined to agree that something he wanted so much was right and proper.

Alice tried to declare her independence. "I went along with your leaving her because relationships take two, and if one person wants out, that is the end of it, no matter how stupid the reasons are. But this is different. We're having this discussion because your attitude is relevant and because I respect your opinion. But you don't get to decide for Bella or for me."

He pleaded with her. "Alice, she doesn't understand what she's asking. There is no informed consent."

"Because you never bothered to inform her!"

"There are some populations from whom it's not possible to gain informed consent. They're not considered competent."

"That's what you think of Bella!" she shot back indignantly.

"Not Bella per se. Come on, you know what I mean. Any human. We're not able to define the risks. It's like an experimental drug. You might give it to someone who had run out of options. Not a healthy person with her whole life to live! And people should never feel coerced to consent."

"Nobody is coercing her," Alice said stubbornly.

"At present she's in danger from Victoria. We should remove that threat before we even consider any permanent steps."

"You're just saying that to buy time. Believe me, I am on top of Victoria."

Round and round and round they went, even as they packed and traveled across the country in order to be closer to the scene if Victoria chose to strike again. They had decided to assemble the whole family there and solicit their input, but in the early summer, the Cullens were scattered all over the map and Jasper and Emmett weren't the only ones off it. Even Tanya texted Edward to go ahead without her. "I'll be there soon," she wrote. "Please call me if you need me."

* * *

Neither Tanya nor any of their family had joined them when Alice sounded the alarm. Victoria was on her way back to the Olympic Peninsula, and she was not alone.

"Let's get down there," Edward said at once.

His sister's face suddenly lit up with victory. "Yes!" she cried. New flashes of the future appeared in Alice's mind, in which she and Edward were challenging their enemies and winning. Their surroundings were familiar. It was a great advantage to meet Victoria in the midst of their old stomping grounds.

"That's good, but not good enough," Edward pointed out. "She might have gotten to Bella first."

"Don't even think that," Alice ordered him. "We're going to be in time."

She was uncharacteristically still and focused as they made their way to the well-known clearing. "You said when we take care of Victoria, then Bella won't be influenced by fear and she can do as pleases," she reminded him.

He just rolled his eyes. "One thing at a time. Please."

They bickered about which route to take. Alice thought a roundabout path would be best to avoid giving their adversaries any warning. Edward was too impatient for any subterfuge, and she decided to let him have his way. The future seemed so solid. But her confidence was severely shaken when her vision shifted abruptly. _Edward! Did you see that?_ The fight was the same but the victory was missing. The scene simply vanished._ What does it mean? Why did it change? Are we going to lose? _He had no answers for her, only a sick feeling of dread. There were many mysterious aspects to Alice's gift. Perhaps she was unable to see past her own death.

As these terrifying thoughts gripped him, a fresh shock hit him: Tanya's scent, only a few days old. With his mind reeling, he stopped running, and Alice did too. Tanya had been here? In Washington? That couldn't be true, but he couldn't be wrong, either, and he could tell that Alice recognized her as well. What was she doing? Why didn't she tell him she was here? They'd been communicating by text message. Was she angry that he'd been completely preoccupied with Bella's situation? But he knew none of that would matter now. He and Alice needed help.

But after he had quickly confirmed that Tanya was nearby and on her way to back them up, Alice's vision was still incomplete. He didn't voice his concerns to Alice, but he could hear that she had the same thought.

"Tanya's going to help us out," he said unnecessarily.

"That's good."

"Just because you can't see to the end doesn't mean anything bad is going to happen." He wasn't sure if he was reassuring her or himself. Probably both.

"Of course not," she said, with more assurance than he knew she felt.

"We're just going to have to play by ear." Now they were close enough for him to pick up the twisted minds of Victoria and her companion. "No heroics," he warned Alice. "When Tanya gets here we'll outnumber them."

"You!" Victoria squealed when she saw them. She seemed pleased, in a somewhat demented way. "How delightful! But there are only two of you this time?" Edward simply glared. "Where's your little pet?" Edward saw her recollection of Bella clinging to the broken body on the beach, and he couldn't control his expression. He hadn't seen Bella in nearly a year, and she looked so beautiful and so anguished. He was the cause of that pain, but he couldn't deny the thrill of seeing her even through Victoria's memory. Victoria noticed his reaction. "Did she get tired of you? But you still care, or you wouldn't be here."

Edward ignored her. "Laurent, nice to see you," he said evenly. "You're keeping sordid company again."

Laurent raised an eyebrow. "That's a matter of opinion." Suddenly he bounded to confront Alice, but she had already flitted away. Victoria made no move towards Edward. The two of them watched Laurent dive for Alice and crash to the ground with a resounding thud. Alice didn't move in for the kill. She simply waited to dance out of reach of his next maneuver. Edward's careful focus on the redhead was interrupted by Tanya's thoughts. She was close; he called her name, which puzzled Victoria. _Edward, I'm not alone. _Tanya showed him the wolves. _Don't be alarmed. They are on our side now. They want to take Victoria down._The information shocked him. Were the Quileutes trustworthy? Could they even control themselves? With the additional reinforcements, Edward was sure they could rout their opponents, but would the wolves turn on them afterwards? But they were with Tanya. As the enemy of his enemy and the friend of his friend, he would have to consider them comrades.

He lunged for Victoria, certain she was unprepared for the speed of his approach. But she seemed to have some sort of instinct for escaping. Lithely she spun out of his grasp and established the same distance between them, standing calmly closer to the edge of the clearing.

"You're in too deep," he taunted her. "You won't get away this time."

Now they could both hear the approach of Tanya and her companions. Victoria was about to be boxed in. With a snarl she leaped into the canopy of the overhanging trees. Then the newcomers emerged in the clearing, two slim figures followed closely by three huge, shaggy beasts, and Edward seemed to be catapulted into another world. The image and the scent crashed over him simultaneously, throwing his surroundings into shadow. She was stunning; literally, he felt dazed, as though he'd been slammed by a battering ram. It was Bella. Almost. Her scent was cleaner, fresher, and her appearance was sharper, more delicate. She was a vampire, and he had to be in heaven. He didn't know how he had gotten here. Had he put up a fight? Was Alice okay? He didn't remember the end, and he was grateful for the amnesia that erased any fear or pain and for the mercy that reunited him with Bella, Bella, Bella. It couldn't be heaven without her.

Without any warning, he was smashed to the ground, and he knew that Victoria was on top of him. She had the upper hand. She wasn't going to let him up. She was going to rip his head off, and this experience would be over. So it was hell, then, and he was being punished like Tantalus. His heart's desire within reach, but not to keep. The red-haired demon had come between them to cut him off from his love before he had a chance to touch her. Would this torture, like Tantalus's, be infinitely repeated? It would almost be worth it for another sublime glimpse of Bella.

Then Victoria was abruptly gone, but her hand snagged his ear and with a sound as enormous as a car crash and pain that instantly bloomed from a sharp stab to a steady, agonizing throb, she ripped it off. His head felt like it had been kicked in. But that sensation faded into a distant annoyance because he saw through Tanya's mind that _Bella_ had pulled Victoria off him. _So this is actually happening_, he thought as he scrambled to his feet. Everything seemed louder and faster when he was upright and he had accepted the reality of the situation. He could tell that Alice was holding her opponent at bay. He heard Victoria's impotent fury, Tanya's anger and concern and the implacable rage and determination of the two massive beasts close by. He knew what to do without having to think about it. In a flash he instructed Tanya to grab Bella, he ordered Bella to release her captive, and he sent the monster hurtling away from his love and into the wolves' waiting jaws. His eyes flicked towards Alice, just as she finished Laurent.

In the next moment, as he was trying to repair his severed ear, his sister was screeching with glee and flinging herself into Bella's arms. "Bella, Bella, Bella," she crooned. Their reunion gave him a chance to process events. _Bella had become a vampire. _Everything snapped into place and he turned to Tanya. She quailed internally at his expression, but she stood her ground. He gripped her arm lightly and leaned in to speak so quietly that Alice and Bella would not be able to hear.

He enunciated each word separately. "WHAT. THE. _HELL._ DID. YOU. DO?"

He felt her flinch at the uncharacteristic language and the anger in his tone, but she responded bravely: _It's obvious. _

"What made you think this was a good idea?"

_She still cares about you._

"What are you talking about?" The questions came pelting out like bullets.

_Edward, I did everything I could to help you, and I would have kept trying as long as you let me. But now I don't have to try anymore. No more half measures and second best. You need her, and I love you enough to want you to have her._

"Tell me, show me everything." He knew he ought to be nicer, but it seemed he couldn't. Apparently he was still in battle mode, issuing peremptory orders. He looked in her eyes as she began to review her interactions with Bella from her arrival in Forks. In what appeared to be a conditioned reflex, seeing Bella and watching her talk and argue and laugh calmed him down. When Tanya got to Bella's change, he hissed. "Not that! Please, think of something else!" She switched her focus to the end of the process, but he interrupted her memories. "You took an unconscionable risk."

She protested hotly. _I didn't! I have refrained from drinking blood since long before your great-grandparents were born. And I was successful. It wasn't even close, I promise._

He ground his teeth together. "'All's well that ends well' is not a strong argument." But she didn't have a chance to defend herself further, because one of the wolves broke into their conversation with a harsh bark. He'd been terribly careless. He had to pull himself together. The others ranged around collecting the stone scraps, and he assembled them into a neat pile. He was about to apply the flame to the tinder when Bella made a sound. When they looked at her, she spoke again: "Please, let me." As he gave her the lighter, he felt a tingling jolt of energy as he accidentally touched her skin. She still felt warm.

But she didn't seem to react. Gazing at the chunks of their vanquished enemies, she murmured, "For Jacob," and ignited the fire. While they stared at the crackling fire and the dense smoke, the wolves contemplated their lost brother, and Edward looked on. Jacob was big, relaxed, strong and cheerful. They respected him, loved him, relished his company. They remembered the powerful dark brown wolf and the handsome, confident man. He had loved Bella, and she had loved him. It was obvious in their smiles and fond looks and their body language as they ate breakfast with a large, loud group of friends or snuggled on the beach in front of a blazing fire. If not for Edward, this man would still be alive, and so would Bella. Edward was lost in his thoughts and not paying attention to Alice until she cried out, pointing an accusing finger at the tawny wolf next to her.

_They are the problem! The reason I couldn't see! That was the point where my vision got cut off! _Alice's mind raced from one insight to the next. _And that's why I haven't seen Bella for so long. I can't see anything that happens when these overgrown dogs are around. If I get away from them, if Bella gets away from them, I'll be able to see her future. I'll know if she and Edward are reconciled._

Alice's intention was galvanizing. He had to talk to Bella immediately, without knowing the future. There would be no shortcuts or inside information. It was time to find the words to express all the guilt and regret and love and grief that he had felt during the separation. When he realized what Tanya had done, those emotions collided with hope and joy and climbed into a crescendo. Obviously, he couldn't pour out his heart in front of this audience. He would take Bella aside. Quietly she agreed to talk. She must want him to explain a few things.

"Go ahead," Tanya said pleasantly. _No holding back. You've got to lay down your cards and tell her everything. And make sure you don't go near any humans!_

"Thank you," Bella said.

"Thank _you_," Alice replied. She appeared unruffled, but internally she was screaming at her brother. _Do not mess this up again! Be a man and admit your mistakes!_

"We all made quite a team," Tanya said, and Edward can hear the wolves' prodigious satisfaction with Victoria's demise and their role in it.

"Yes, thank you," he said. These wolves had been Bella's friends, saved her life and fought alongside her. He looked at his sister. Despite the very poor showing he'd made of things so far, she hadn't given up on him. She seemed to think he had the potential to do better. He locked eyes with Tanya. He had never had anything to offer her, yet she stayed with him through all those bleak days. She had kept him together when he was barely hanging on. And when she perceived that the outline of a door to his prison had appeared, she had ignored the cost, blasted it open without hesitation and pushed him through. He would never be able to thank her for everything she had done for him. _You don't have to thank me._ _It was good while it lasted. _Her lips curved into a knowing smile. _B__ut we were always meant to say goodbye. I don't have any regrets. Not for the time I spent with you. Not for changing Bella. But it's up to you to make it count. _

Finally, Edward turned to Bella, and he was mesmerized by the sight of his lost love. Her beautiful humanity was gone forever, but Tanya's bite had somehow left her with a new grace and intensified allure. This treasure couldn't be for him. He'd made too many mistakes. If she consented to be carried, perhaps he could transport himself back in time to the days when he had her trust and he hadn't lied and left and let her down, and maybe he would know what to say. But she was a vampire now. She didn't need to be carried.

As she promised, she's keeping up, and in a few moments he's going to have to speak. Ready or not.

* * *

_Author's Note: I am so lucky to have many wonderful, loyal readers. You may not realize that when I post_ _a story or a chapter I'm hoping to catch the eye of new readers but I'm also eagerly awaiting reactions from those who've enjoyed my work before. One special longtime reviewer is Just Another Phase. When I read her review to Chapter 12, I had no intention of doing what she suggested. I was going to write Edward and Bella's conversation. But her suggestion took hold, and this chapter came out instead. __Thanks to Yuliya for the translation and to edward-bella-harry-ginny and Juliejuliejulie, as always, for their friendship and support. _


	14. Tell Her

_Author's Note: Bits of the dialogue are Stephenie's. Along with both of the characters, of course. _

* * *

"_Tell her that you're never going to leave her  
__Tell her that you're always going to love her  
__Tell her, tell her, tell her, tell her right now"_

Tell Her _by Bert Berns; the"Tell Him" version by the Exciters is the most familiar of many recordings_

Chapter 14

When Edward finally stops, they take seats on a flat rock near the peak of a mountain. Bella stares at him as she waits for him to speak. Her memories were entirely inadequate. The bronze hair is perhaps messier than usual after their recent battle. His finely cut features, his topaz eyes, his beautiful hands are the same, but sharper and more stirring. Everything about him is utterly familiar and yet astonishing.

Edward too is silent, lost in observation, comparing every aspect of Bella to his perfect recollections. She is older; he had seen that in the minds of those who were with her in her final days: Tanya, Victoria and the wolves. There is a new maturity to her face and her posture. But she is neither young nor old. She is ageless now, with an endless horizon before her. She used to want to change to be with him, and he had justified both staying with her and leaving her as necessary to protect her humanity. Now she's given it up regardless of him. She really had moved on, to another life, a fresh beginning. Her destiny is hers to decide. The only reason for her to be with him now is if she wants to. And why would she want to be with someone who treated her the way he had? The ground has shifted under his feet. The old convictions have been exposed as empty and swept away, and he has to become a new man to have a place in this new world.

He picks up her injured hand, sending a delicious tremor spiraling through both of their bodies. "This won't go away," he says sadly. "The venom leaves a scar."

Her mouth twists into a rueful smile. "At least I'll be symmetrical." She brings her other hand next to the one he is holding, and they look at the two marks. On her right hand is the curved imprint of James's bite and on her left are parallel scratches where Victoria's teeth scraped her. "It's strange, huh? James and Victoria. They both wanted to kill me. I can't believe it's over. I can't believe Jacob's gone, and you're back."

"I know what you mean. A lot has happened. A lot has changed."

Gazing at each other, still holding hands, they speak at the same time.

"Bella—"

"Edward—"

"Please, go ahead," he invites her.

"Where are we?" She is still marveling over her new abilities. She raced up a mountain! And she can see so far now, even in the gray light of early morning.

"It's Mount Olympus," he says, the crooked smile making another brief appearance. "Is this okay?"

"Yes, it's beautiful." She falls silent.

"What?" he asks gently.

"I thought you would take me to the meadow."

"We can go there, if you want."

She shakes her head. "No, it's fine here. I was just wondering why you chose it."

"I wanted to go someplace new," he explains. "Somewhere we'd never been. Because things are different now."

"I know that." She wonders what Tanya told him. Does he know that she doesn't expect anything from him? That he's not responsible in any way for her fate? "Edward, I'm sorry."

"Sorry!" he echoes incredulously. "For what?"

"I know you didn't want me to do this."

"It's true; I didn't."

"Are you mad at Tanya?" She sees by his expression that she's on the mark. "Don't be! It's not her fault. It was my decision. I asked. I wanted it. Look, I know that you know I used to want to be like you so that we could be together. That was a long time ago. It feels like another lifetime. I guess it _was_ another lifetime. But I did this so that nobody else would get hurt for my sake. Without Jacob, I didn't have any reason to be human. And now we've finished her."

"Yes, and I have to thank you."

Now it's her turn to be baffled. "Thank _me_? For what?"

"You saved my life back there."

"Not really." She smiles. "Besides, I still owe you a few."

"Bella. You don't owe me anything." He's encouraged by the easygoing tenor of the conversation. She hasn't pulled her hands away. She's willing to sit together and talk. "I, on the other hand, have a great deal to explain and apologize for."

"What do you mean?" Her mind is still on their recent clash with Victoria and Laurent.

"Where do I start? How much time do you have?" he asks with a rueful expression. He takes a deep breath, and even lets go of her to run his hand through his hair, but only with one hand. "Bella, I made so many mistakes. I'm sorry for every single minute since I drove you home from my house on the night of your eighteenth birthday."

"What? No!" she protests. "What are you talking about?"

"I look back, and that is where I really went wrong. I didn't tell you what I was thinking. I didn't listen to you. I just decided how things should be. I lied to you and I made myself miserable, and I don't think you were very happy at the time either. And I didn't just lie. I had been so thrilled and grateful when we first became friends and you opened up to me. Then I used that precious knowledge to make a weapon against you. I'd heard you put yourself down nearly every single day since we met. I had been on a mission to make you sure of my love, to prove my devotion so thoroughly that you'd never doubt it. And I deliberately sabotaged everything I'd tried to do."

His voice has grown increasingly bitter as he castigates himself for his perfidy, and he glances at her to see how she's taking it. She's frowning slightly, considering his words.

"It was all supposed to be worth it," he continues, "when you had the wonderful life that I wanted for you. But even if you had that life, it wouldn't have been right, because you didn't choose it." He shakes his head. "I don't even know how to explain. I forced us onto this other path because I thought I knew best. And… this sounds crazy, but I almost felt good about feeling bad, because in my mind, the fact that I was willing to be unhappy showed how much I loved you. I don't know what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to. Myself, I guess. Trying to be unselfish. Except it was monumentally selfish to do what I wanted and never even consult you."

Bella still looks thoughtful, and Edward is determined not to pressure her to speak. Naturally, he's desperate to know what she thinks. This is one of the most important conversations of his life, and he's no longer accustomed to being shut out, but he has vowed to behave differently. He will be patient.

Bella can see that it all fits. The timing of the breakup, Tanya's testimony, how after saving her from James, Edward had promised to stay only as long as it was best for her. If he had been telling the truth before, it would make no sense to try to convince her he had been lying. Her mind leaps to the implications, not for herself, but for one she loves.

"I should have argued. Then I wouldn't have ended up on that beach with Jacob, and he would still be alive."

"You should never have had to oppose my outrageous assertions. But I wouldn't have listened. My mind was made up. There was nothing you could have said or done. Which just shows what a total idiot I was. Bella, I was so mixed up. I can see that now. It bothered me that you thought so little of yourself, but that is how I treated you. What you thought and what you wanted didn't count. What kind of love is that? Please, please don't blame yourself for my stupidity."

She doesn't like the idea that she had been powerless, that there had never been any magic words to stop the tide from turning. But she hadn't even tried. She had swallowed his story hook, line and sinker. And it had been completely false? There was no grain of truth in the whole sorry tale? "So, you really broke up with me because you wanted me to have a normal life? Not because you were tired of me?"

"Bella, I _have_ always loved you and I _will_ always love you. I can see now that I did a terrible job of showing it, but it's true. And then I did everything possible to convince you otherwise, but it's true. I left because, _only_ because I thought you would be better off." He pauses for a moment. "I'm asking you to believe me now even though I'm admitting I lied before, and that means I have to be completely honest, right? All this time, right up until this moment, I told myself, I told everyone, that I did all that for you, out of love. But that wasn't the only reason. There was another part I never realized before. I did it for myself, out of fear. I know, because I'm feeling that fear right now— fear of rejection. I was afraid that if I told you everything and let you make up your mind and you chose me, eventually you'd come to regret it. When you experienced the cost of being a vampire, you'd hate me for stealing your soul and luring you into this life. I didn't trust your love to last. What I was most afraid of I did to you, so I would never have to face that possibility. I just didn't think I deserved happiness. So I gave it up before you could snatch it away from me."

These words also have the ring of truth. She well remembers the many times he declared his love was much stronger than hers. "You used the past tense," she points out. "What do you think now? Do you think you deserve to be happy?"

"No," he answers simply. "I feel more unworthy than ever. I think any objective observer would have to agree that whatever I deserved then, I deserve even less now. But I'm starting to realize that what we get has little to do with what we deserve. Jacob Black didn't deserve to die. The people I killed didn't deserve to be summarily executed. Carlisle and Rosalie and Esme and Alice and Jasper didn't deserve the awful things that happened to them. Tanya walked away from her own life and did everything she could to try to help me. I never did anything to deserve that. I want to try to be worthy of the good things in my life, but that would be impossible. I don't have good things in my life because I'm worthy of them. I don't know why I have good things in my life. There is no reason. Because I'm lucky."

She doesn't doubt his sincerity, but she is not certain of its permanence. "Where is this coming from? Why are you figuring this out now?"

"Because of you. Because I'm talking to you. After I had made up my mind to leave you, everything I did just followed from that. I did what I felt I had to do in order to stay away so that you could move on. All my energy was focused on sticking to my mistake. I was just caught up in that. When I cut myself off from the best thing in my life, I lost the ability to think clearly. But when I saw you, it was obvious, even to me, that I had to be honest. And so it's all just tumbling out." He looks into her eyes, glowing red from the vestiges of her previous life, and the words spill from his lips. "Bella, do I still have a chance with you?"

"What do you mean?" She isn't sure what he has in mind. He's explained the past, but now he's talking about the future.

"Am I too late? Did I hurt you too much? Are the feelings you had for me gone, as I meant to happen? That would be… a nightmare. But it would be my fault for pushing you away, not yours for letting go. Please, just tell me whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you." She opens her mouth to speak, but he holds up a hand. "Wait. Before you answer, I have to warn you that if it's no, I can't let it end here. I'll do anything for a second chance. I'll never stop trying. And I have forever now. Even if you'll only see me once every hundred years, I'm yours."

She doesn't have to deliberate. She's always been his, and nothing could alter that. Believing him out of her reach, she'd tried to wrest her heart away from her memory of him, but she'd rescued only enough of it to go on with, and Jacob had had to be content with those scraps. Now that she is touching Edward, inhaling his scent, and absorbing the love in his golden eyes, the emotion that fills her dwarfs anything she's felt before. But she's too canny to waste this opportunity.

"You'd do anything?"

"Name it," he declares immediately, a hopeful smile lighting up his angelic face.

"Set up a scholarship fund in honor of Jacob so students from the reservation can go to college."

"Done. I'll endow a university in his name if you like."

"That won't be necessary," she says pertly. "So it's okay to talk about him? You don't mind?"

"Mind! Bella, in my opinion, he was one of the greatest men ever to walk the earth. Even though, to my eternal regret, I only met him a few times, I consider him one of the best friends I'll ever have. He kept you safe when I didn't. I owe him everything, and I'll never forget that. What else? I know I have to work harder than that to win you back."

"Edward, you can never lie to me again."

"Never."

"The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth," she specifies.

"So help me God."

"And you can't decide everything by yourself. You can't run my life."

"Bella, you just asked for the truth. So here it is: you are the strongest, bravest, most amazing person I have ever known. And my own judgment was disastrously wrong. I can see that now. I'm not going to run your life. I want you by my side, I want your help to run my own. I've been a fool, but I can change."

"You said your kind— our kind— doesn't change."

"There's some truth to that. But I think it was mostly an excuse for being stubborn and not listening to anyone. I'm not going to throw this gift away again. If you'll have me, I'll spend every day of forever being grateful and showing how much I love you."

"What about Tanya?"

"She's been a good friend. The best. I couldn't bear to be around the others because they had so many memories of you and of us together. If she hadn't stuck with me, I'm not sure what I'd be now. But you're in charge. If you don't want me to see her again, I won't."

"Edward," she reproaches him. "That's a terrible idea! To just terminate a friendship because of another person's whim? What are you saying? You'd do anything at all for me? What if I told you to kill Mike Newton?"

"Newton? Really? Let me at him!" She laughs at his mock eagerness.

"I'm trying to make a point. If we disagree, we have to talk about it. It would be as wrong for you to follow everything I say against your own judgment and your own wishes as it was for you to decide my future by yourself without considering my opinion. I don't want a pet. You should go where you want and see who you want."

"If you say you'll be with me wherever I go."

"Yes."

"Yes?" he questions, not ready to believe his good fortune. She prolongs the torture, not responding. She just looks at him, her heart in her eyes, and he can feel the connection arcing between them and pulsing within their clasped hands. He's practically levitating with happiness. "Can you really forgive me for everything I did wrong?"

"Edward," she says tenderly. "I didn't fall in love with you because you always did everything right."

"You didn't?" He appears to be genuinely puzzled.

"No, because you didn't."

"I didn't?" She shakes her head, a beatific expression on her face. Only Edward would be a paragon of talent and virtue and still consider himself despicable, and only Edward would confess myriad failures and yet still expect to be judged infallible. "Wait a minute. You didn't think I was perfect?"

"I'd say... you're faultless despite all your faults. You're perfect for me."

"That's more than I could ever hope for." He leans forward slowly and softly kisses her. That brief, gentle contact sends a thrill of joy and desire vibrating through both of them. "I love you, Bella. Forever."

She can see the adoration written all over his face, but now the misgivings and insecurity that he put aside are assaulting her. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You still want me, even though I'm not human anymore?"

"Yes."

"But I'm not warm. I don't feel the same."

"You make me feel the same. Like I'm the luckiest man who ever lived and like I want more."

She persists. "I don't smell the same."

"Bella." He had promised himself to be patient, but every man has his limits.

"Yes?"

"Stop talking." And he silences her with his mouth. He pushes her down, or she pulls him on top of her, because now that they've had a taste, neither of them can get enough. It's so familiar but all new. As good as before and a thousand times better. Because her scent is pure delight, with no hint of pain. Because she can savor the sweetness of his mouth, with no fear of his teeth. Because his touch carries no danger, only magical sensation. Their senses are full of each other. Their skin seems to possess nerve endings that are responsive only to the other's touch. Bella's mind is flooded with Edward's exciting scent and the waves of heat from his hands sliding over her. Edward is equally overwhelmed with the pleasure of her body against him and of his mouth exploring everywhere he can reach, but he's not as heedless as newborn Bella, and something inside him tells him that this isn't right. His thoughts are too deliriously scrambled to fathom his own hesitation, but he obeys the nagging voice and tries to pull away. But she's stronger. She picks up on his attempts to escape and without interrupting her caresses, she rolls them over to pin him beneath her. It feels so good. He really can't be expected to stop this now. But his conscience prods him to make another effort, and his hands push against her. Realizing what he means to do, she scrambles away in shocked confusion and sudden humiliation.

Her mind is reeling. Why did he do that? He doesn't have to hold back. She's not breakable anymore. With a sickening flash the answer presents itself: he didn't like it. He doesn't really want her after all. Maybe she's no good compared to Tanya.

He can see by her posture and her expression that he's hurt her feelings. "Bella, I'm sorry! I just… I don't know." He can't articulate his motivations just yet. "I'm sorry. I had to stop."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"_No_." His answer is swift and unequivocal. "That was incredible. You're incredible." He pulls her onto his lap and holds her, stroking her hair. She feels a bit shaky, but she relaxes against him. "That was the most fantastic experience I have ever had. It just felt wrong to keep going. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was just too fast."

She doesn't understand what that means. He thinks they ought to go slowly? Because that's how he wants it or because that's what he thinks she needs? She had better confess, let him know how things are. "Edward, I'm not a virgin anymore." She looks at him anxiously, braced for his reaction. What would be worst? Disappointment? Disapproval? Indifference?

His sublimely beautiful face is unperturbed. "Neither am I. We have that one thing in common at least."

"Why not then? Don't you want to?"

"Do I _want_ to? Bella, I want to do everything with you. I want to do everything to you." He takes a deep breath and speaks slowly, emphasizing each word. "And I'm going to." His thick, smooth voice makes her swoon. "But not now, not here, not like this," he continues. "With us it's going to be different. It has to be special."

"Different? Special?" She has no idea what he has in mind.

"Bella," he murmurs, and kisses her again, hungrily. He pulls her to him, trying to maximize the contact of her body against his. He wants to surround her, merge with her, fuse together, body and soul. But finally, after minutes of delicious, intoxicating closeness, he draws back again. Hands on her shoulders, he looks her in the eyes. Her expression of love, awe and desire is paradise to him. "Marry me first."

* * *

_Author's Note: So they did find their way back together, as people who had read my other stories might have guessed they would! __Some readers had said she shouldn't take him back or not right away, but this is Bella we're talking about. She's very forgiving towards Edward. At the end of New Moon she told him that there was nothing he could do to change how she felt about him even before she had any idea what he'd been up to in the interim; a couple of pages after her declaration, she was surprised to discover that he actually hadn't tried any "distractions" while they were apart. So I really don't see her holding out. But I'm always interested to hear your comments and reactions! _


	15. The Water is Wide

_"The water is wide, I can not cross over  
__And neither have I wings to fly  
__Give me a boat that can carry two  
__And both shall row, my love and I"_

The Water is Wide; _traditional song with many versions_

Chapter 15

She doesn't answer. Instead she bites her lip and drops her eyes to her lap.

"I'm sorry," he says, immediately scrambling to smooth over the awkward moment. "That was really sudden. Let me rephrase. I said that because I need you to know that you're everything to me. It's not just fun and games. I want you in every way. But we never really talked about marriage before. I just told you I felt like the luckiest man on earth, and then right away I asked for more, for something that probably doesn't mean the same—"

"I want to marry you," she blurts out, and the joy and wonder that hit him feel powerful enough to jolt his heart back to life.

"You do? Really?"

She nods, lifting her head to meet his gaze. "I like what you said, that it's a way to make a break from the past. To show that this is a fresh start. We belong together, and I want everyone to know it."

"I love you," he says fervently.

"I love you too."

Dizzy with euphoria, he can't help kissing her. He means for it to be light and brief, just to seal the moment, but the desire flares up as soon as their lips make contact, and the feelings accelerate like an avalanche. He has to wrench himself away again.

"You were going to say something, weren't you? 'I want to marry you, _but_…,'" he prompts. "Whatever it is, we'll work it out."

"You seem very confident," she observes dryly.

"Bella, you just agreed to be my wife. You're safe, and nothing can take you away from me anymore. I feel like I've landed in Oz. My life just changed from black-and-white to brilliant color. So bring it on. Tell me what's troubling you."

"I don't see how I can do it. It's been less than a day, and I haven't even been near any humans. Tanya said it would be a few months or even a few years until my thirst was more manageable." Shyly she adds, "I don't want to wait that long."

Bella has not lost the unparalleled power to surprise and thrill him. She's right. He's embarrassed to have lost sight of the basics. Caught up in his emotions, he had forgotten that though she is now like him, she is not yet like him in at least one important way. At the same time, he's electrified by her words. _I don't want to wait that long._She's driving him crazy.

"I'm sorry, love. I didn't think about that."

"What do you think we should do?"

"We don't have to get married, really. Either now or ever."

"No way. You're not backing out on me," she declares. "Let's just find out what's involved, how many people I would have to be exposed to."

"There's no waiting period or blood test in Las Vegas. We'd have to get a license at the courthouse. Then for the ceremony two people must be present," he informs her. "The officiant and a witness."

"How do you know all that?"

"Well, when we were in school, I had my hopes."

His sheepish confession makes her smile. Back then, she would have scoffed at the idea of marriage. Marriage seemed so earthbound and temporary, not at all in tune with her feelings for Edward. But witnessing and enduring death—Victoria's and Jacob's and her own—have given her a new perspective. She has a different attitude towards the present and the future. She wants to do things now, because there is no guarantee of tomorrow even for immortals. And she's come to believe in forever. Her loss is permanent, but so is her love.

"I just don't know how I'll react to humans."

"We can try," he suggests. "Are you up for it?"

"Won't my eyes be a problem too? They're kind of freaky."

"Not to me. But again, you make an excellent point. I think you can get by with sunglasses. We'll both wear them. People will just think we're minor celebrities or hungover."

"Or both." She giggles. For both of them, the piercing joy of realizing that their love was requited was an unforgettable rush, but conspiring together creates a different kind of happiness. It feels so comfortable. Their relationship had begun with sharing secrets and experimenting with behavior that went well past prudence, and now they're back in business.

* * *

The attempt gets underway only a few hours later. Edward had texted their plans to Alice, Tanya and Carlisle. A flurry of negotiations followed, in which Edward agreed that Alice could act as their witness, thereby reducing the stress on Bella and being in position to help restrain her if necessary, on the condition that she travel separately and meet them there. He refused to allow Alice to claim any of Bella's attention during what he hoped would be a very brief engagement. Edward and Bella had retrieved his car from the big white house. He'd whirled around the garage, rapidly reversing the steps Rosalie had taken to prepare the Vanquish for an indefinite period in storage. And they'd hit the road, heading south while searching for a suitable challenge for Bella.

In northeastern Oregon he picks up the thoughts of a pair of humans hiking in an otherwise deserted region. It's a perfect test. "Don't breathe until I tell you," he cautions her. Stepping out of the car, he verifies that the breeze is laden with the tempting scent. He opens her door, helps her out and puts his arms around her, before signalling her to unleash her most primal sense. The delectable aroma seizes her whole being. She gasps with the overwhelming force of the compulsion, straining to get away. "Stop breathing!" he commands.

The divine fragrance still fills her head. She whimpers, still struggling to escape. Stirred by the feeling of her writhing in his arms and by her intense effort to live up to her ideals, he kisses her. She moans, throwing her arms around his neck and thrusting her hands into his hair as she parts her lips and the exquisite feel and taste of him blot out everything else. He responds eagerly, tightening his hold on her body and reveling in the softness of her mouth. Her passion knocks him off his feet, literally, but the feverish kissing and caressing continue without pause when they find themselves on the ground. This exhilarating exploration could last until nightfall, but he recalls that they had a purpose. He pulls away, and Bella moves closer, trying to maintain the contact. She takes a breath and her hand flies to her mouth in shock.

"The humans! I forgot!"

"You _forgot_? You still notice the scent, don't you?"

"Of course! But I'm getting both. Them and you." She's trembling with the wild need surging through her. "I think if you let go of me I'd go after them, but while you're holding me, I just want to keep kissing you."

"God, Bella," he murmurs, and he can't help leaning in for more of the fantastic sensations that are lighting up his whole body. But he has to be responsible, to minimize Bella's suffering and avoid risks to innocent people. "I think you should hunt."

Her eyes widen. "It's not safe. I'll target them, and you might not be able to stop me."

He shakes his head. "I'll take you out of range before I let you go."

She nods. "Be quick," she begs, and he is. Cradling her in his arms he races away from the forbidden prey, away from the air currents that push the enticing scent into their systems. Wildlife is plentiful in this area, and in minutes he is able to turn her loose on a pack of mule deer. Immediately she falls on an animal and tears at its throbbing pulse, gulping down the hot, thick fluid. He has to look away or the sight of her fiercely satisfying her thirst would overthrow all his good intentions. She relaxes as the warmth creeps through her.

"Thank you," she whispers when she's finished.

"Bella, you are something else. I'm astonished that you could be distracted from the scent of human blood. At this stage, your thirst should dominate every other thought and feeling."

"I don't want to hurt anyone," she explains. "I'm still thirsty, though." He stays close as she drains a second large deer, and then he swiftly captures one for himself.

"I wish I could know what that was like for you," he comments, taking her into his arms again.

"It was strange. My body wanted to go after the blood, but my mind never did. I was trying to get away, but I wanted you to hold me. And then when you kissed me, I couldn't think about anything else. I didn't know it would be like that."

"Amazing," he marvels. "I think you can do it. I'll kiss you senseless, and carry you in there, and hold you close. I'm sure they've seen it all before. Just try not to breathe and if you feel like attacking someone, well, I'm prepared to take one for the team."

She puts her hand to his cheek. His eyes are sparkling with love, and his expression is eager and confident. She has faith. She has an inkling now of the extreme control he had exercised every moment in her presence. Now it's her turn to exert herself for something they both want. A few minutes in the company of a few humans, compared to the endless hours he spent touching her and kissing her? Her throat blazes up at the thought. _Edward_, she thinks and feels calmer. "I'll try."

* * *

"We have a lot to catch up on," he remarks as they resume their journey.

"I didn't go anywhere or do anything special," she points out.

"I'm interested in everything you do. But only if you want to talk about it."

"What do you want to hear about?"

"I saw Jacob Black in the memories of the wolves. I meant what I said before. I'm glad that you had him in your life. I stupidly chose to walk away, but I never wanted you to be alone. Clearly he cared about you and protected you and was there for you when I wasn't. But I was also wondering..." He pauses to glance at her.

"Go ahead."

"I thought young wolves were pretty volatile. Wasn't it dangerous for you to be around him and his pack?"

"Look who's talking," she says with a wry smile.

He chuckles. "Touché."

"Sam, the pack leader, did hurt someone he's close to," she admits. "He feels awful about it. But it taught all of them to be careful, and Jacob was special. The whole pack was impressed with his self-control. They said he was a natural."

"I know it's silly to worry now about the risks you took then," he says. "I just hate the idea that you were in danger and I didn't even know."

"Bad things did happen. Jacob is gone," she says sadly.

"I'm so sorry. If I had realized Victoria wanted to take revenge on you—"

"It's her fault, not yours. Besides, we can't think that way. It doesn't do any good. You know what they say: If wishes were Volvos, beggars would drive."

He grins. "I thought the saying was, 'If wishes were _horses_, beggars would _ride_.'"

"We have cars now," she reminds him. Teasing him feels so natural. "You've got to keep up with the times." He picks up her hand and kisses it. "None of that or we're not going to get there," she warns and he laughs out loud, filling the car with the sound of his delight. "Edward, I am worried about something. Besides running amuck in the chapel, I mean."

"What is it, love?"

"I'm afraid of losing my human memories. I don't want to forget Jacob or Charlie or Renee or any of my past. But when I tried to think about Jake just now, it was so murky."

"You can hang onto your human days if you think about them now," he tells her. "That's what Rosalie did. You should try to recall everything you can even if it's a struggle. And I can help you. I remember every minute we spent together perfectly."

And so between her fuzzy images of Christmases in Phoenix and rainy days on the reservation and his reminders of their perfect summer in Forks, they review her memories as the miles roll by. Finally, he pulls up in front of the courthouse and turns to her with a dazzling smile. "Alice is here, waiting for us. I think we have a few minutes for me to get you in the mood." His expression changes to a smirk, and then he clarifies. "For encountering humans, I mean."

Her arms are already snaking around his neck and pulling him close. The front seat of a sports car is not very conducive to the passion they're both longing to express, but they quickly manage to lose themselves in the supple sweetness of each other's lips.

Eventually, Edward pauses to check whether Bella is sufficiently distracted. He leans his forehead against hers. "Do you think you can handle it?"

In reply, he gets a single word: "More."

Her ragged tone inflames him. "We have to do everything we can to protect innocent life," he murmurs as he slides his lips along her neck and arrives back at her warm, delicious mouth.

Feeling like she's floating in kaleidoscopic bliss, Bella doesn't notice the banging on the door, and Edward ignores his sister for as long as he dares. When she is on the verge of damaging his vehicle, he reaches behind him to release the lock, not breaking away from the heavenly contact. Alice promptly opens the door. "Edward! Bella!" she clamors, poking her brother in the back. "I brought the sunglasses!"

* * *

_Author's Note: ____I really appreciate the feedback from Just Another Phase, Juliejuliejulie and edward-bella-harry-ginny regarding this chapter. _Thanks so much for reading!


	16. Baby I'm Yours

_"Baby, I'm yours  
And I'll be yours, till the sun no longer shines  
Yours, until the poets run out of rhyme  
In other words, until the end of time"_

Baby I'm Yours; _I like the Arctic Monkeys version_

Chapter 16

"Bella, put that book down! We only have six hours to get you ready," Alice announces sternly.

"Alice." Bella's voice can only be described as whiny. "What can possibly take that long?"

"The very fact that you ask that question shows how necessary it is that I assist you. Starting _now_." Bella is tempted to stick out her tongue, but she settles for scowling. "I know you want to look perfect for Edward," Alice wheedles. "I've been patient. This is going to be your one and only ceremony, and we're going to make it good."

Bella sighs. Alice speaks the truth. Trying to give in with good grace, Bella follows her friend down the hall, but she stops short when she sees what Alice's room contains: not a dress but an entire rack of dresses.

"Alice!" she yelps. "What is this?"

"You refused to accompany me, so I needed a few options. But mostly, it's camouflage," Alice trills brightly. Seeing Bella's blank look, she explains. "Did you ever read 'The Purloined Letter'? No? Well, you should. The point is, the police searched a man's rooms for an incriminating letter. They tore the place apart. But he had guessed they'd be looking for something hidden, and he simply left it with his other mail."

"So you're hiding my dress?" Bella tries to connect the plot summary to the billowing ivory, pearl, ecru and white garments before her.

"Among a lot of other dresses," Alice announces with a smug smile. "Edward's probably caught a glimpse here and there, but he doesn't know which one is the one."

"Isn't that kind of wasteful?"

"Don't worry. I'm supporting the careers of emerging designers, and I'm going to donate all the extras to be auctioned off for charity. Now, let's start with this one." Bella lifts one skeptical eyebrow. "Come on," Alice coaxes. "Let me do my thing. You just go to your happy place."

That would be in Edward's embrace, of course, but thinking about _that_ isn't going to help her submit patiently to Alice's ministrations. So she doesn't dwell on the thousand and one days and nights of passion she's spent with the man she's about to marry. Instead she contents herself with reviewing some of the key incidents leading up to this moment. They have waited a long time for this day to arrive, and they had not been sure until recently that it would ever happen.

While she steps in and out of the dresses Alice proffers and submits to being zipped and buttoned and evaluated, Bella remembers the negotiations that had determined where and how they'd spent the past several years. She had been so consumed with grief and so determined to transform without delay that she had not given much thought to developing a story for Charlie that would satisfy him for more than a few weeks.

"I already said I had to get out of town for a while. I'll tell him that I went to visit Alice," she suggested to Edward. "You and I ran into each other and got back together. He knows that you're at Dartmouth, and I can say I'm going to stay with you in New Hampshire. That all sounds fine. But how can I explain that I'm not even going to visit and he can't visit me?"

"Tell him you're further away than New England," he said. "Too far and too expensive for either of you to make the trip."

She pondered the idea. "Do we have to lie already?"

"Not if you don't feel comfortable with it." He smiled. "I think that's a good policy. We'll give him an outright lie only if there is no other choice."

"But what is our other choice?"

"We'll go somewhere too far and too expensive for either of you to make the trip," he said serenely. "And I know just the place."

"Where?"

"Siberia."

"Siberia!" she repeated incredulously.

"I'm serious," he insisted over her laughter. "It's perfect. The population density is low, the wildlife is plentiful, Charlie won't be able to visit and he'll understand why you don't come home."

"Okay, that _would_ explain why I don't visit. But then he'll just wonder why we chose to live in Siberia!"

"I'm majoring in Russian Language and Literature," he said with an air of triumph. "What could be more natural? Dartmouth practically requires students to study abroad. I'll enroll in a program there, and I have the feeling I'm going to find it so enriching that I'll want to stay for a couple of years, maybe more."

"I see you've got it all figured out. It does make sense," she admitted. "But still! A few weeks ago I had no intention of leaving Forks for at least another year, and now I'm moving to Siberia!"

"Stick with me, kid," he teased. "I'll show you the world. It might take a little while to find a suitable aircraft for sale, though. I think a Learjet 30-series would do."

"What are you talking about?"

"How else are we going to get there? You can't fly commercial," he pointed out. "It would be a bloodbath. Either that or we'd get arrested," he added with a smirk.

"What about the pilot, then?" she demanded. Her mouth dropped open as he grinned at her. "Edward Cullen! Did you come up with this whole scheme so you could buy your own plane?"

"You're the one who didn't want to lie to Charlie," he reminded her virtuously.

It had been a good plan. An extended honeymoon, away from the whole world, though they had occasionally flown back to the States or received visitors. It was the first time they had been alone together indefinitely, not accountable to parents or teachers, not disturbed by siblings or friends. In Siberia they had world enough and time to play, to enjoy each other, to study, to talk about anything and everything.

When they felt confident that Bella could safely and comfortably spend time with humans, it was time to discover whether Edward would ever have his dream wedding. He wanted his family to witness the ceremony, but Bella had agreed to participate only if Charlie could be present to give her away. She hated leaving Renee in the dark about the wedding, but she wasn't sure she could ever chance a face-to-face meeting with Renee. She didn't think she could cope with her mother's curiosity and keen intuition. Renee knew that she was with Edward and they were happy, and that would have to be enough for the time being. Charlie, on the other hand, had been remarkably oblivious when Edward had spent night after night under his roof. Bella was ready to find out whether Charlie could still shut his eyes to what he didn't want to see.

Alice had assured them that their first encounter would not end in complete disaster, but that was all she could say. She could not tell whether Charlie welcomed them or whether he was too uneasy for them to ever meet in person again. Bella warned her father that her appearance might come as a shock and that there was much she would not be able to explain. Hoping for the best, she and Edward arrived at the house after dark. Charlie's first reaction was cautious.

"Bella? Is that really you?"

"Hello, Dad," she said softly, keeping a careful distance.

Edward monitored Charlie's thoughts closely as he surveyed his daughter. Charlie was very disturbed. Had they joined a cult? Made a pact with the devil? How could she look like that? "Bella, what did he do to you?" Charlie choked out, taking a step back.

"Nothing, Dad. Edward had nothing to do with this." Charlie glared suspiciously at Edward, performing another double take as he took in Edward's appearance. Charlie's wide eyes returned to Bella, and he shook his head in total rejection of what he was seeing. "Okay," she conceded quickly. "It was related to him in a way, but he was not responsible. This happened before I even saw him again. I'm fine. We're both great. Please, let's go inside."

Taking a series of deep, shaky breaths, Charlie wordlessly ushered them into the familiar living room and sank into his chair. "I don't understand," he said.

"I know, Dad, and I wish I could tell you everything, but I really can't. Remember, if you can be okay with this and not ask questions, we can see you again. If not we'll have to disappear, and I don't want to do that. You know it's still me. We've been in touch this whole time, and you know I haven't changed on the inside."

"Yeah, but—"

"What if I were horribly disfigured in a fire and had to have skin grafts? You'd accept that and still love me, right?"

"Of course." Listening to Bella's voice, which he had grown accustomed to while she'd been out of the country, Charlie grew calmer.

"Well, it's the same thing in reverse. Only the surface has changed. I'm the same person, just beautiful now."

"You were always beautiful, Bella," Charlie said gruffly.

"I heartily concur," Edward declared, causing Charlie to roll his eyes. Sensing that the mood had lightened, Bella glanced at Edward and he gave her a slight nod. Charlie had made up his mind to let sleeping dogs lie. A glorious smile broke over her face, warming the hearts of both men.

"Dad, we have some wonderful news," Bella said happily. "We're getting married."

"I can't say I'm surprised," he said. "You two have seemed pretty tight ever since you got back together. But you've been out on your own for a while. You don't need my permission."

Reaching for Bella's hand, Edward spoke up. "We would like your blessing."

Charlie could barely disguise his pleasure at Bella's request that he be part of the ceremony, and Alice had immediately thrown herself into planning.

In due course, those closest to them had assembled for the occasion. Of course, they had all seen one another over the past few years, but they had not all been together until now. Even without Jasper's assistance, spirits were high.

"I am so thrilled for our whole family," Esme said, hugging Bella.

"Yes, Mom," Edward said patiently. "We remember that you mentioned that ten minutes ago." Esme simply gave her son a pointed look.

"Remind me again," Emmett said. "We are not supposed to tell Charlie that you've actually been married for more than three years now?"

Edward rolled his eyes, but Alice answered. "No, we're not, because that would hurt his feelings."

"Don't you think he'd be relieved to know you haven't been living in sin all this time?" Emmett suggested in an innocent tone.

"Emmett," Edward snarled at his brother.

"He's just teasing you!" Bella reproached him, before glancing uneasily at Emmett. "You are just teasing, aren't you?"

"Don't worry," Rosalie reassured them. "He won't mess up your wedding." She fixed her husband with a piercing look, and he chuckled.

"It's going to be beautiful," Alice said confidently.

"Thank you, Alice," Edward said. "We are so happy to mark this occasion with all of you. Especially you," he added, turning to Tanya.

Carlisle nodded. "You were always a great friend, but now we consider you truly part of our family."

"Absolutely," Bella chimed in. "And I want everyone here to know that one of these days I will return the favor and be the maid of honor at your wedding."

"Matron of honor," Edward immediately corrected her.

"Thanks, Bella," Tanya said, smiling. "But you might be waiting a long time for that."

"You'll find him," Esme declared emphatically.

Tanya shrugged, flipping her hair behind her shoulders in a complacent manner. "Maybe. You know what they say—"

Edward interrupted. "_Net ne nado, ne govori_," he begged her, a pained expression on his face. But Tanya ignored his urgent pleas to keep the rest of her thought to herself.

"You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince," she concluded.

"Thanks, Tanya," Edward said wryly. "I'm in for at least a century of frog jokes now."

"Hey, if the shoe fits!" Emmett cackled. "How about this? I'll let Charlie hang onto his precious illusions, but it's open season on Edward."

Edward heaved a theatrical sigh. "What else is family for?"

Bella's heart swells with contentment at the memory. She had delighted in the months of being utterly wrapped up in Edward, and in the back of her mind, she's counting the minutes until she can be alone with him again, but she has to admit it's lovely to be surrounded by the people who mean so much to them. In addition to Charlie, the Cullens and Tanya, there are others who have a special place in her life. Bella reflects on the visit she had paid just that morning. When she was dating Jacob, she had spent so much time at Emily's. The two of them had filled days with cooking, studying, running errands and just hanging out while their men were on the prowl. Edward had offered to accompany her, of course, but she wanted to be with Emily on her own.

"Bella, I am so happy to see you!" Emily's voice was filled with excitement as she led Bella to a seat in the small living room.

"Me too! Is Sam around? And the baby?"

"They'll be back soon. I wanted to talk to you alone first. You've come at just the right time." Emily reached for Bella with one hand and rested her other hand on her stomach. Looking at Emily's radiant face, Bella saw only the lively beauty and the glowing joy, not the scars. "I'm pregnant again. Levi is going to have a baby brother… and a baby sister!"

"Twins!" Bella exclaimed. "That's wonderful! Congratulations!"

"Bella." Emily gripped her friend's hand even tighter. "If you approve, we want to name our daughter after you. We want to call the babies Bella… and Jacob."

These words triggered an unexpected storm of emotion in Bella. A familiar wave of grief for the friend who should be here, who should be anticipating descendants of his own rather than being memorialized in the children of his comrades. Deep affection and gratitude to his friends, their friends, who are determined not to forget either of them. But surprisingly, she also felt frightened.

It was a risk. She'd accepted the idea of immortality. She knew she would outlive her parents, but that was only natural. She had not expected to form any new close ties to the human world. In accordance with the Cullens' way of life, she had intended to avoid precisely such entanglements. Now there will be another precious soul to love and worry about and eventually to lose and to mourn. Two hostages to fortune, in fact.

It was a surprise. She wasn't supposed to have this, a connection to life and growth. Victoria had destroyed the path she'd been on and taken away what might have been, and Bella had chosen to leave those possibities behind forever.

It was a blessing. A little Bella and Jacob would be growing up together on the reservation. Another miraculous gift had tumbled into her lap. All this rushed through her mind as Emily smiled confidently.

"I... I don't know what to say," Bella stammered. "It's an honor. Thank you!"

"We hoped you would approve. Billy likes the idea too," Emily said happily. "We'll remember you, Bella, always. Not just us, but our whole tribe. And you'll remember us."

Bella nodded. Tears she couldn't shed prickled in her eyes, and she couldn't speak, but Emily's dark, shining eyes seemed to understand.

"Bella, it's time." Alice's voice interrupts her reverie. Bella's mind can process so many things at once, but she floats through the next interval in a blur. When she looks back, her perfect memory fails her. She remembers only a handful of impressions: Charlie's warm arm and steady heartbeat guiding her, Jasper's voice reciting the words of the ritual that bound together what his own lapse had once sundered and most of all, Edward's golden eyes, sparkling with love.

* * *

_Author's Note: Thanks to Juliejuliejulie, edward-bella-harry-ginny and Yuliya for their valuable assistance. Most of all, thank you so much for following my story to its conclusion. It was a great pleasure and marvelous learning experience to write it, and I hope that you enjoyed reading it. Of course, I'd love to hear what you think._


End file.
